Юлия Пирумова – Fragile People: a Hidden Door into the World of Narcissists (страница 2)

Let us imagine that someone called Olga has high self-esteem, while Kate has it low. We will start with the latter, since it is her who shares the convictions about herself that are so familiar to us. So, Kate's “inner ear” would not hear anything valuable about what she has got inside. It will be impervious to acknowledgment of her virtues and the way people see her. It will ignore Kate's achievements. If she actually succeeded in something and even if it was highly appreciated by the others, her “inner ear” would make out a tiny whisper: “Anyone can do it. You were nobody and remain nobody”. From reality, this “ear” would catch only the signals that unavoidably prove Kate's “badness”, failure, and neglect from other people. It would be sending out signals of rejection, detecting it even in a neutral attitude to Kate. It would be tuned to the frequency of alienation from people and self-discrepancy anywhere she goes. It would evaluate Kate on a negative scale from total unworthiness to medium badness, without entering the positive area. In case Kate managed to make a little step to the area of “self-normality”, her “inner ear” would inevitably establish in which area she is still not good or even inferior. So, no matter how people saw her or how she performed in life, relationships or work, her “inner ear” would perceive a distorted reality in which she remains bad and there is no way for her to change it.

Olga, in this sense, would be more fortunate. Her “inner ear” works properly, as a healthy part of the vestibular system. If there is a risk of falling, our body changes its position in response to the signal of this system. It also works like this with a healthy psyche: in case something that could negatively affect Olga's self-esteem happened, her “inner ear” would be tuned to itself. Thanks to that, Olga would remember her real virtues and expect support from those around her. Olga's reality is not full of hostility and unavoidable rejection. Olga sees things as they are and is ready to “hold on” to this view.

A good vestibular system has numerous nerve endings, which send out signals of the changes in the environment. Similarly, healthy self-esteem registers all that happens internally and externally: it notices both good, adding it to personal value, and bad, trying to correct it, compensate for it, or in extreme cases – displace it. Normal self-esteem helps us correlate real virtues and limitations and also continuously intercommunicate self-image with reality. It means that Olga's inner ear does not only hear “inside itself” but also “outside itself”, continuously comparing her self-esteem with the environment. Therefore, even if her self-esteem is the highest possible, Olga would still have to see and notice how other people perceive her and react to her.

So, what does the functioning of our “inner ear” tuned to maintaining good or bad self-esteem depend on? Why does Olga's “ear” catch positive evaluations and recognition, while no matter how much you praise Kate, she would still be in the “narcissistic negative”?

What matters here is how healthy or sick one's narcissism is. In fact, healthy narcissism also exists, and it is something that provides us with a foundation for positive and stable self-perception.

Why do we need narcissism?

To trust one's mind and to know that one is worthy of happiness is the essence of self-esteem.

Inside every person's psyche, there is a part responsible for self-respect and self-perception. As a special repository, it keeps everything that constitutes our self-esteem and helps to maintain it. That is narcissism, which is essential to all of us. Thanks to it, we have a stable self-concept and an understanding of who we are.

But before we actually start to understand anything about ourselves and evaluate our own personality, we need to accumulate enough initial narcissism, which is presented to us by our close ones. We will carry these savings with us as we go through life, gaining more and more information about ourselves. These narcissistic savings accumulate throughout life, enhancing our knowledge of ourselves. It becomes fuller, more diverse, and includes not only our abilities and talents but also our limitations. All that provides us with an opportunity to maintain a realistic view on ourselves and develop healthy self-esteem.

Healthy self-esteem functions the way a piggy bank works: parents invest in us the loving looks, positive reflection, support of our hobbies and talents, recognition of our abilities and pride in our achievements. As they are collected, our “self” becomes more stable and gets healthier. We obtain knowledge about ourselves, our place in this world and relationships with others, our abilities and talents. We develop self-awareness and start relationships with people based on our desires and needs. We can forgive ourselves for the mistakes made and learn lessons from any experience. Thanks to all that, our life potential is growing, and we are enriching ourselves.

However, there is also a reverse side of the coin: the fewer investments we have received, the less healthy narcissism we have gained. Instead of savings, we might have plain deficiency for all what is left of our childhood. All narcissistic disorders are shaped exactly in this area of emptiness and deficiency: it is not limited to not feeling loved or valued. Such people sometimes do not sense themselves at all without constant confirmation of their own value and significance.

Narcissism is not just an area where self-esteem appears, is being maintained and adjusted. It is also an essential psychological need of every person. Thus, it is natural to:

• want attention and positive feedback;

• want to be recognized and respected;

• want a realistic reflection from other people;

• be good for others;

• have merits, success and be proud of them;

• be aware of your talents, abilities, and limitations;

• set short-term and long-term goals for yourself and make plans;

• consider how valuable you are for the others;

• see the value of other people to you;

• continuously increase self-awareness, the understanding of your needs and abilities;

• present your talents and skills to the world;

• enjoy what you have inside and share it with the others.

All of these are natural and normal needs of every person! And as a whole, they are features of healthy narcissism, the inexhaustible source of self-respect and continuous confirmation of self-worth.

However, I am sure you would agree that not all of us are lucky to have such narcissism. On the contrary: almost everyone today is having difficulty fulfilling these needs, some to a greater extent, some – to a lesser. Let us explore various manifestations of narcissism.

The narcissism scale

Imagine a horizontal scale with divisions, numbered -100 to +100. The far-right point will indicate the abovementioned healthy narcissism as a state of narcissistic norm and integrity. I assume that such people exist. That they really have no problems with their self-esteem, self-respect, and self-perception. Stressing the word “really”. Since there is abundance of those who compensate for inferiority claiming that “they're fine” in a purely external manner. Healthy narcissism as a deep normality, as a feeling of dignity accompanied by adequate reliance on one's own achievements and experience is a rare but a factually existing phenomenon.

Let us assume that +100 point of the scale is a narcissistic norm and then mentally move left. Imagine: at the far-right point, a person is full of self-worth, significance, able to evaluate their virtues adequately, while as we move left, the richness of narcissistic resources is gradually transformed into emptiness and deficiency. The closer to the left edge of our scale the person is, the lower self-esteem they have, therefore, the stronger the defense, the weaker the feeling of one's value and significance. The deeper the feeling of worthlessness and inferiority, the more they want to suppress and hide it for the sake of preserving themselves.

The -100 point, which is associated with the extreme degree of narcissistic pathology, indicates malignant narcissism. Let us assume that the whole range of such disorders lies between -100 and 0. Such people's narcissism is so wounded that it seriously distorts reality, in which they fight for the right to be absolutely grandiose and independent, magnificent and unique. And since this area is quite pathological, the means they choose for the protection of their humble “self” are far from graceful or appropriate. You must have heard quite a few bloodcurdling stories about narcissistic perverts and psychopaths, psychologically abusing those around them.

And now I will speak to you with the intonation of a tourist guide:

“Look to your right – there are rare lucky people with healthy narcissism. They live, reach their goals, communicate with other people, and can be very happy indeed. And then look to your left and again see a similarly rare category of people: representatives of pathological or malignant narcissism. They can also be quite happy. It is their close ones who are suffering. The narcissists themselves do not care, they just live their lives. And now let us look at the middle of our scale and meet narcissistic 'neurotics'. That is where the majority of us are…”