Юлия Пирумова – Fragile People: a Hidden Door into the World of Narcissists (страница 4)

Usually, teenagers and adults who have not grown out of teenage years “suffer” from this type of narcissism. Looking at them, we see that while they have quite a few ambitions and claims for their uniqueness and absolutely special originality, there are no grounds to confirm their abilities to fulfil any of those. Or there is no understanding that for all this both time and effort are required. Excessive narcissism creates an illusion for the person suffering from it that they will get everything for free and in large amounts, just because they are so unique. As a rule, this type of narcissism is cured naturally as time goes by. Inadequate beliefs in being superior, chosen, unique, and influential often dissolve over the years by themselves. There would still be suffering and anger, but one would shed their illusions of excessive narcissism, staying with quite an adequate image of self and accepting their real abilities and limitations. Those who “get stuck” in such narcissism endure unreasonable arrogance and excessive ambitions. As years go by, it is getting harder and harder to ignore reality, and it is expected that you prove your value for yourself and people around you by real achievements and success in a particular sphere (either family, children or a career in a preferred field). And the main criterion would be the life that satisfies, lets one fulfil their potential in various ways. Therefore, someone attacked by the virus of narcissism is likely to become a grumpy person when they grow old, angry at the whole world and suffering from total injustice. That would be the price they pay for not agreeing to accept their real “size”, staying in a continuous illusion of one's exclusive uniqueness and significance.

On the other hand, the other category of narcissistic personalities is associated with a totally different adaptation approach to their own fragility. Their self-esteem is also inadequate but the “other way round”. It is unreasonably low. We are talking here about deficient narcissism, which instead of providing a feeling of one's significance, deprives a person of self-worth even in spheres where they evidently have it. In contrast to excessive narcissists, they really consider themselves not deserving even the most modest success and see themselves as incapable of anything. Then it turns out that along with that, for some reason, they demand outstanding accomplishments from themselves and are eager to meet the standards of “successful success”. That is their main pain.

Deficient narcissists are entirely unsatisfied with themselves, no matter what they achieve or do. They ignore reality where they actually have certain abilities, opportunities, and talents, and display behavior associated with one's self-worthlessness.

I also call such people hidden or covert narcissists, as it is practically impossible to suspect narcissism in them. Since instead of significance and grandiosity, they exhibit humiliation and reactions of acute shame in response to anything.

They are characterized by the following:

• the sense of one's inferiority and unworthiness;

• high sensitivity and vulnerability;

• high personal standards;

• procrastination and inability to reach goals;

• constant search for approval and recognition;

• proneness to shame;

• envy for other people and self-abasement when comparing oneself with others;

• narcissistic depression due to inability to live up to ideal and perfect images;

• lack of emotion and detachment form one's own life;

• and much more.

It is important to note that there are inner “holes” in both cases. However, excessive narcissists still believe and hope that if they try hard enough, they will conquer the world with their grandiosity. While hidden narcissists are stuck in hopelessness: they feel so unable to recover themselves to the level of a good and a worthy person that there is only one way to act left – linger in shame and hopelessly strive to disguise yourself as a normal person.

“Feeble semblance”

Thus, deficient narcissists are people whose “inner ear” constantly catches the signals confirming their unworthiness and inferiority from reality. Their sense of worth and self-respect is impaired. They are associated with particular types of behavior which demonstrate their insignificance and “defectiveness”. Instead of hiding their vulnerability, say, by seeming grandiose or unapproachable, they intentionally and manifestly undervalue themselves and complain of being undeserving. You would not believe it, but their narcissism is also aimed at maintaining a stable view on themselves. It is only that it does it in a way that seems paradoxical at first glance. As if it does not give one a chance to “get a swollen head”, so as not to be disappointed in oneself later. Thus, it turns out that deficient narcissists' psyche maintains the state of their “dismal worthlessness”, and by doing so protects them from greater damage to their self-esteem.

It may seem that deficient narcissists are all self-belittling whiners and victims who do nothing but sit and grumble about life. That is not true! In the course of my practice, I regularly meet objectively very successful men and women who have achieved a lot and continue breaking through the ceiling. They never sit still, they are constantly occupied, work or receive new education. They earn good money and have pretty good families.

Yet still! All of them have something in common. They are never satisfied with themselves. And not just like “I should've done better, I'll try again tomorrow”. It is a devastating process of blaming oneself for not doing it on time, doing little, badly, worse than the others. For not doing it earlier, better than anybody else, and besides, “everybody can do it”. For not doing it perfectly, ideally or ingeniously. For having required a lot of effort but must have coped with it easily. And so forth…

This book is about those people who are called deficient, hidden, or covert narcissists. About those who instead of being fulfilled and plentiful, feel that they lack something valuable and important. And all their lives are hopelessly trying to recover the good sense of self. This book is FOR those who recognize themselves in this narcissistic deficiency and decide to fill oneself with healthy and adequate worth. The goal is achievable, and a good sense of self is worth working on, isn't it?

Questionnaire for identifying narcissistic deficiency

I am pretty sure that having reached this page you have started to suspect deficient narcissism in yourself. At least, a light form. To provide you with some reference, I have prepared questions which would enable you to check how true your suspicions are.

Just answer “yes” or “no”, without thinking for too long. And believe me: even if you give a positive answer to the majority of questions in this questionnaire, it does not mean that you are a “rabid” narcissist. It is just that the narcissistic sphere of your personality is pretty vulnerable due to the circumstances of your life. We will talk about it in detail further on.

In the meantime, enjoy!

Statements connected with self-esteem

• My self-esteem greatly depends on what is happening in my life at the moment.

• Troubles and misfortunes leave me with a sense of inferiority for a long time.

• I rarely feel worthy and respected.

• I keep doubting my value and worth for the people around me.

• I often feel inappropriate when I contact with people.

• I never measure up to the ideal I set for myself.

• I can't see anything in myself that would make me unique as compared to other people.

• I have no virtues to be proud of.

• I don't know my strengths.

• I don't know what I could be loved, valued or respected for.

• I feel desperate when I think that I am an ordinary person, one of many.

• I often compare myself to the others. Not to my advantage.

• I feel overwhelmed by other people's success. When I compare myself to them, I instantly get absorbed in gloomy worthlessness.

• If I understand that in some way I'm worse than other people, I get overtaken by the feeling of unworthiness.

• I constantly criticize myself and devalue what I've done and achieved.

• I believe that if people discover who I really am, they will get irreversibly disappointed in me.

• When people look at me, I see criticism and judgement more often than benevolence and interest.

• Because of my flaws and the mistakes I've made in life, I'm much worse than the people surrounding me.

• My achievements and success do not convince me that I'm sufficiently competent or professional.

• I often feel like an impostor and I'm afraid that it will become evident to other people.

Statements to do with relationships with other people

• I often notice thinking that I feel better without people, since this way I can avoid the feeling of shame.

• If surrounded by people, I feel that there's something wrong with me.

• I believe that people around me are normal, but I'm sure that I'm not one of them.

• I don't like competition. It is associated with high risk of being worse than someone else.