Юлия Пирумова – Fragile People: a Hidden Door into the World of Narcissists (страница 1)
Yulia Pirumova
Fragile People: a Hidden Door into the World of Narcissists
Preface
I have noticed lately how people are getting increasingly interested in the phenomenon of narcissism. But what is there to say on the matter that has not been said before? It is obvious that narcissists are troublesome and dangerous to their close ones.
Among this choir, there are yet voices that are not only willing to diagnose and condemn narcissism but also tell the story behind the psychological drama determining narcissists' character and the suffering they are prone to. I will write about narcissism from this point of view. But I would like to stress the essential: whatever psychological constitution we are characterized by, we are much more than our diagnoses, features of the character, and adaptation abilities. We are even more than the suffering that lies at the heart of all this. Thus, drawing on the character, the reasons behind it, coping strategies of a narcissist, I would ask you to see an individual behind all this. Not larger or smaller, not better or worse than anybody not sharing said characteristics.
What is more, this book is not just about narcissists. It is about their “secret” order: about those who barely resemble self-centered egoists. On the contrary, they are very-very “shy”. Unconfident, full of doubt, attacking themselves in response to any blunder or mistake. Worn-out and exhausted by the demands placed on themselves. And at the same time claiming to be strong, flawless, and being able to handle everything perfectly. Such
Introduction
When I started psychotherapy practice, I could not imagine that narcissists would become the main area of my interest. Of course, I knew who they were! Like everyone else, I thought they were egoists whose sole desire was to exploit the others.
I read numerous books telling us: “Beware of narcissists, they are everywhere, and their only dream is to use you. So, arm yourself with the knowledge to deal with their horrible nature. And may the force be with you!”
It reminds me of the joke about good people joining together to beat up bad people. But back then I was still “green” in terms of psychology and also almost fell for the popular science prejudices which could lead me to demonization of narcissism. But no! The deeper I studied this phenomenon, the better understanding of the features of people with narcissistic disorder I acquired. And the more I got interested, curious and even compassionate towards those whose narcissism appeared to be so wounded that they required such exceptional protection of their fragile “self”. Moreover, I got more and more convinced that narcissism is widespread today, but it is radically different from what we have always thought of it.
The era of “gods” and fragile self-esteem
“'I'm God!' – cries Kanye West into the camera. 'You're asking me who I am? I already told you, I'm God!' Kanye West is a god of a new breed. He is the most influential rapper of the decade. Wildly popular and fabulously rich. He is married to a phenomenally popular and incredibly rich woman. People line up to get his trainers just like for a holy communion. He is a god, he's got enough media outlets to be one. Basically, that's all he needs”.[1]
In the era of gods' self-proclamation, we are forced to make ourselves worthy every day, thus, somewhat preserving our self-esteem as compared to the “successful success”. Fragile as it is, it is now checked for strength by another story of a “god” having dropped in from the sky, who managed to get it all, immediately and faultlessly. It is presented not as an exception but an ordinary and natural way: going up and never down. To become not just successful but inimitably fortunate. One of a kind. Not like anybody else. Unique…
“All” or “nothing”.
“Perfect” or “nobody”.
“The nonpareil” or “a loser”.
That is our reality, which we crash against in the attempts to assert ourselves and be somebody. We want to be perfect and invulnerable. But that makes us dependent, drained and unhappy. And very lonely…
Deep inside we want to be accepted by people. To have good relationships. We want to love and be loved. But on the way to it we are sapped by a slow-acting force – seeing ourselves as unworthy of it all. Since we are not at the top of the social success pyramid, which all social networks are full of, we feel worthless and having achieved absolutely nothing. This is
We want to buy this costly ticket to enter the so much desired world of normal people, where we will be seen, valued and accepted. But time after time, we put up a velvet rope for ourselves. We have to run a hundred times faster just to stay at the same point. We are worn-out by the attempts to assert ourselves but feel that we are simply marking time. And then again devalue our way and effort. And by doing so we slide down to the very base of our personal mountain of self-esteem and self-respect, which we were hopelessly trying to climb all the time.
We are ordinary people. And often, we are not narcissists at all. But almost all of us are scared of what will happen if everyone finds out that we are not anything special. Since it seems to us that our own achievements are insufficient to legitimately consider ourselves normal. As if we are pretending to be normal. Professional, knowledgeable, able to love. At the same time being full of doubt: “Is it really so? Or will someone come tomorrow and unmask me?”
Sometimes, nothing helps us feel confident. Neither certificates, nor MBA, nor money or even recognition from our family, friends or colleagues. Our inner customs officer either does not let it all in, devaluing upon entry, or allows to enjoy it for five minutes and then throws it away beyond the limits of our psyche. So, again we have to get involved in spurious fights for our own self-esteem. Modern narcissism is widespread not as a pathology but as a background level of anxiety about one's own value.
Many-faced narcissism
Everybody knows who narcissists are.
It is true that representatives of the classical version are the very notorious self-obsessed, self-centered people, egoists with a grandiose self-image. They expect everybody to show constant admiration and recognition. And all of their resources are spent on acknowledging their own greatness and significance. Representatives of this personality type consider themselves superior to others and are willing to prove it to everyone around, demanding attention and extra-special attitude. They are absorbed exclusively in themselves, not willing to notice anyone around. For them, the only way of communicating with people is exploitation. In other words, it does not matter who you are and what you feel. If you can be of interest to a narcissist, they never refuse to use you. Otherwise, you just stay beyond their sphere of attention. The only problem is that, according to some sources, such narcissists constitute only 1 to 4 per cent of all. Too few to seriously threaten yourself with dangers of communicating with them. And that is where it gets really interesting. Since, in fact, the world is full of narcissistic people.
But not like those who you constantly hear about from the authors denouncing narcissism. And not all those who proudly wear a narcissistic crown of omnipotence, egoism, and splendor. In contrast to those who brightly manifest a narcissistic pathology, we are now surrounded by other narcissists. They will not humiliate you or show how great they are and prove to what extent they are better than you. Quite the contrary! Their narcissism is also wounded. But instead of showing off, such narcissists have chosen a different adaptation strategy. The first impression is that these people have absolutely no relation to narcissism. But it is who they are. “Secret” narcissists. People who have exceptionally fragile self-esteem and emptiness for a self-concept.
They disguise themselves and hide.
They try not to show their inferiority to anyone.
Their constant companion is total dissatisfaction with themselves and low self-esteem.
They are unable to be proud of themselves and devalue all that is good and worthy about them.
They always want to be a better version of themselves but instantly feel ashamed, inadequate or inferior.
They refuse to do anything to avoid suffering a defeat or facing a failure.
They are afraid of close relationships, but loneliness also scares them.
Their inner world is much more complex than it seems at first glance.
The “inner ear” of self-esteem
Our brain has an organ of balance and spatial orientation – the vestibular system. It helps us maintain balance when body position changes. Without it, we would move like small children or drunken people, i.e. we would not be able to coordinate our own movement. The vestibular system is a part of one's inner ear, which carefully monitors his or her position in space.