Ариана Баженова – Intertwined Fates (страница 12)

«She probably knows and feels something too. Her look is like the look of an animal trying to drive away a threat, having seen it from afar. So early? Does she know something?» I worriedly noted to myself, feeling that the mysterious situation was only gaining momentum. There was a distinct feeling in the air that something was about to happen, like the calm before a storm.

And a week later, Eva Schwein announced to us the updated lineup of speakers for our project. Among the names that were still unfamiliar to me, I noticed the very same one – Lev Aleksandrovich. This was not surprising, considering that he is involved in almost all projects. But a wave of goosebumps ran down my spine from the realization that a face-to-face meeting was inevitable.

I practically heard how reality creaked, changing direction and giving in to my thoughts about him, which involuntarily swirled around in my head every day. From the premonition of imminent changes, my legs began to buckle slightly.

There were so many things I wanted to do when I met him face to face: talk, casually, about everything in the world – but at the same time, I wanted to hide, turn away and have nothing to do with him. Just in case. So as not to get burned again. When you get hurt – neither psychology nor magic can save you.

– Oh, I’m a little worried. I don’t even know how I’ll look Lev in the eye when we work on the same project, – I shared with a colleague, with whom we had already become friends, when we were leaving the checkpoint and walking along a dense row of cars in the parking lot, enjoying the fresh November air and the crimson sunset sky.

– How? Until now? – she smiled in surprise.

Until now. It turned out that a month and a half is not a period at all, it’s a short moment. And I will look him in the eye boldly, with a challenge, with pleasure, tenderness, passion – but not now. And when? I knew that these moments would come, but I couldn’t say how soon.

«I can’t explain to you why, but my intuition tells me that our story with him is just beginning. You know, sometimes I see the future,» I admitted to her with a soft, almost apologetic smile. «The only question is how soon it will happen. Even before moving to St. Petersburg, I had the same vague picture before my eyes – I meet my man at work, when we are working together on some project. He is bent over a piece of paper and is writing something intently. He is wearing a white coat, he has dark hair and glasses. Only it’s all so blurry…

I stopped mid-sentence, fell silent in fear, worried that I had blurted out too much. This was my reality and picture of the world, but a rather specific one, and the people I work with could misunderstand me.

Maybe that same man from the vision is Leo? There was still a fresh, painful scar in my soul from how we had played this game with glances and smiles, fleeting jokes for so long, and then he had simply ignored me and my attempt to make a real step towards rapprochement, never answering my letter.

«So I will ignore him too, no more strange glances!» I told myself sternly, realizing that I would change my mind as soon as we came face to face.

When that day came, I tried to look unperturbed. Usually this was not a difficult task, but next to Lev something thawed in me, and I did not recognize myself. That morning, when the first meeting of the project participants was to take place, I sat for a couple of minutes in silence, collecting my thoughts. Then, with slightly trembling hands, I took the notebook and slowly headed towards our spacious conference room with a long glass table, from which a postcard view of the long rows of rusty St. Petersburg roofs stretching beyond the horizon opened up.

Anticipating the meeting, from which my solar plexus was slightly twisted, I put on an elegant black dress, adorned my fingers with neat rings with pearls. My colleague made two tight braids, slightly pressing on her head – but these inconveniences seemed nonsense.

I went into the conference room, timidly sat down opposite Lev at the long glass table and involuntarily glanced at him. «How handsome he is today in his business suit, how sincerely and brightly he smiles on this dark November morning! But I can no longer show my sympathy,» I thought, barely tearing my eyes away from him.

But somewhere nearby, along these corridors, his wife is walking, already sensing danger, recognizing in me the figure of a long-forgotten enemy and incinerating me with her gaze. How can this be?

I shook my head slightly, driving away the memories of the look in her eyes, the same brown as mine. And as if by chance, I turned away, showing Lev an elegant profile, which one artist several years ago compared to an antique statue. I pretended that I was absorbed in discussing the project and that I didn’t care about anyone. And yet I felt how he was stealthily looking at me with an interested gaze, naively and openly.

I deliberately did not greet him and diligently pretended not to notice his presence. Although my heart was pounding fast, stubbornly knocking against my ribs, forcing me to breathe deeply and often. Those same strange heat and hunger, which had previously been silent for a month and a half, stirred in my soul again. He chatted freely with my colleagues, laughed loudly and every now and then inserted comments and jokes on the edge of what was permitted by etiquette. At thirty-two, he sometimes behaved too childishly – I wonder how he manages to maintain such lightness and youth of spirit?

– So, dear speakers, we have identified the areas of our modules in the training program, – Eva Schwein listened to our discussion and confidently intercepted the initiative. – And now let’s divide up. Who wants to teach what?

– I want to take psychology in a team! – Lev, who had just been chatting with a colleague sitting next to him, immediately blurted out loudly. I couldn’t hide my pleasant surprise and cast a quick glance at him, full of approval. So he’s interested in psychology too? People don’t just become interested in such things – usually they are those whose inquisitive minds try to penetrate deeper than simple everyday interactions, to see their essence and cause-and-effect relationships, to reach the core of what makes a person human. Alas, in my experience, many people of science limited themselves to purely professional knowledge, not wanting to look deeper. I would like to believe that this says a lot about Leo.

Soon the modules were distributed among the speakers. Schwein glanced sharply at the participants seated along the long conference table and abruptly stopped her gaze on me. A shadow of a sly smile flashed across her face, and I, already anticipating her words, relaxed and leaned forward with interest.

«Leo, I have an assistant for you,» she said ingratiatingly.

Although I was prepared for this, my vision suddenly dimmed slightly and my head almost started spinning. Time stood still, and something inside me turned over from a tearing premonition. Thunder was about to strike.

– Kira will help you, she is well versed in psychology.

In addition to the dizziness, I felt the blood rushing to my cheeks – oh, how red I must be now! In addition to everything, I felt the gaze of a couple of my colleagues from the department, initiated into my secret about sympathy for him. I tried my best to show pride and break off all ghostly contacts with him, demonstratively ignoring the entire meeting.

But Schwein pushed us face to face. I wonder if she did it on purpose? It seemed to me so. The story of Marina Voikova came back to mind – how Eva Schwein built her family happiness with her married colleague with her own hands.

For some reason, I had a strange feeling that she was the only one who understood me and knew what I needed. All the pictures that I stubbornly played out in my head and which I did not tell anyone about were becoming reality thanks to her. On her part, this act seemed like an exploratory interest – to see if a chemical reaction would flare up between us, because she saw right through people and definitely felt that it was more than possible. Straightening my back and trying to regain my composure, I looked at her and nodded eagerly.

– So, Leo, are you taking Kira as your assistant? – she asked with a sly smile.

My breath caught in my throat, despite all my attempts to show composure and purely businesslike interest.

– Of course, I’ll do! – he blurted out eagerly and turned to me.

With these words, our story began.

Something fell down in my stomach. Our gazes met again, and we both carefully and slowly nodded to each other, as we did before. As if now securing our silent agreement about the beginning of something new and accepting the inevitability of the events that were happening. I lowered my head again and began to busily make sketches in my notebook, patiently waiting for him to offer to discuss the format of work on the project and methods of communication – my pen was ready to write my phone number. I did not want to be the first to make contact now – I had enough from that September day and the situation with the letter. But then the meeting ended. I hopelessly watched as he silently and hurriedly jumped up from his seat and disappeared into the oak doors of the conference room, without saying a word to me.