Ариана Баженова – Intertwined Fates (страница 11)

«This is all stupid. It’s time to leave this idea and move on,» I told myself, but an unresolved question hung in my soul, a persistent feeling that the story was just beginning. But I tried to escape from my feelings. Today, in a spacious wooden house rented for the weekend, I slept especially well. I hadn’t thought about this before – it was boring to go somewhere alone for the weekend, but now, headlong, I tried to escape from my feelings and disappointment in Lev.

Maybe he’s not so wonderful?

***

The enchanting northern nature of Karelia was left far behind, and the workday routine inevitably pulled us into its flow. In the closed area in the center of St. Petersburg, behind a high fence with barbed wire, an interesting life was in full swing – and often our marketing department organized interesting events together with the HR department.

In these days of late autumn, I met her face to face for the first time – our boss from top management, Eva Schwein. Many were afraid of her – her mood and character, changeable like water, powerful and scorching like fire, hard as steel. But in me it aroused sympathy and sometimes admiration – at first glance it was clear that you can learn a lot from her, and we both put common sense above momentary likes and dislikes.

In these cold October days, there was a discussion about the launch of a new project – a series of trainings for employees. It immediately piqued my interest – after all, it was mostly psychology, in which I had a bachelor’s degree, and I continued to deepen my knowledge to this day. But since my work experience was close to zero, I was sure that participation in this project would pass me by, and I would calmly continue to sit in my corner and gain wisdom and wisdom after the internship was over. For example, writing drafts of content plans or advertising posts for our company’s social networks. Tuesday came, and Eva Schwein called the entire department, six of us, into her office. From the excited tone of my colleagues, I realized that this was hardly a good omen. We silently climbed the snow-white staircase, finished to look like marble, and the sweetish-sterile smell of cleaning products, which were used to polish the corridors of the administration until they shined, hit our noses. Having entered the office and closed the heavy door behind us, we sat down around a long table. Dozens of honorary diplomas, letters of thanks, and a retro-style map of Chile, where our corporation’s subsidiary was located, looked down at us from the walls. I involuntarily sank into my chair.

– Why are you so pale? – a colleague whispered barely audibly in my ear.

I shook my head and blinked slowly. The world, narrowed to the size of the office, swam slightly before my eyes. Perhaps now there will be questions that I do not yet understand and cannot fully answer. And ignorance is no excuse, right?

– Well, tell me, what have you done for our project? – Eva Schwein asked in a calm voice that did not bode well.

I gradually began to get used to her accent. She sat relaxed in a high chair upholstered in white leather, but you should not be deceived by her mood – at any second she could change her mercy to anger and bring it down on us or any other person. Her strong figure, dressed in a heavy dark jacket, literally pressed with authority. Her long blond hair was pulled back into a high ponytail, a few strands had come loose and fallen over her glasses. Her brown eyes were studying us tenaciously from behind round lenses.

After her question, a timid discussion of the developments began – everyone was afraid to say something wrong and displease her, bringing down on themselves a hot portion of criticism.

She listened silently and took notes, when suddenly she raised her head, and her gaze stopped on me. I tried my best to become invisible and merge with the furniture, although I understood that it was too late.

– I looked at Kira’s blog here…

I froze and stopped breathing, hearing the rapid beating of her heart echoing in my ears. I felt like a helpless doll under her sharp gaze. – And I suggest that she teach a module on psychology in our project, – she finished her remark and sat back in her chair with satisfaction.

I perked up and exhaled sharply. A smile spread across my face in surprise.

«My knowledge was noticed and appreciated! They believe in me!» – flashed through my head like an arrow. I tore myself away from the back of the chair, which seemed to have grown to me, and straightened my shoulders.

«With pleasure! I won’t let you down!» I blurted out joyfully.

I couldn’t even imagine that a hobby – blogging on philosophical and psychological topics, where I have been sharing my thoughts and discoveries for five years now – would give such a boost to my career. How wonderful it is when hobbies and work intertwine!

It was as if I had a second wind, and a visit to that very «scary office» of Eva Schwein, which my colleagues sometimes scared me with, turned out to be a new hope for me. When I got home, without undressing, I greedily pounced on my books and notes on psychology – I was too inspired, and in one evening I sketched out the skeleton of a lecture in which I tried to put all my knowledge. This lecture seemed to me an important step on the path to something more – as it turned out later, for good reason.

Since childhood, I noticed that as soon as I thought about something and wanted it very much, it literally immediately came to life. At first, this happened beyond my control, but soon I caught the pattern and began to try to manage this process.

About a year of conscious training passed, and I began to deliberately use this gift. And this time, as soon as I came to the company, I realized that I did not want to do routine work. But how can I tell my superiors about this, having neither the skills nor the experience? And I just started to think about how much I wanted to be given a more important task and given the opportunity to show myself to my colleagues and share my knowledge with them. My intuition told me that this would happen very soon, but I stubbornly continued to think about the picture in my head of me standing in front of rows of employees, and they listening to me attentively.

And then reality gave in – and the picture in my head became reality, albeit not as quickly as it usually happened with my smaller desires. Does such a gift make life easier? Yes, but it is not just a tool, but a way of living, for which the universe imposes special responsibility – after all, reality and the lives of other people largely depended on my thoughts.

I understood the gravity of my role, and I was not drawn to doing something that would harm others. But there was one «but». I could not stop thinking about Lev. Trying to distract myself, doing household or work chores, I mentally slipped into bright and warm pictures every now and then: here we are spinning in a dance to a song on the radio, here we are performing together in front of an audience, and here we are drinking coffee in peace and quiet, or looking at the pond from the window of a cozy house… «What nonsense, stop it!» I pulled myself up every time, but the thoughts stubbornly escaped the control of the grip of control, and I stopped trying to hold them. For some reason, Lev seemed strangely familiar and close to me, and I desperately wanted to see him nearby, but I did not understand how this could be. The subconscious knew something that I did not. A couple of days later, my colleagues and I, as usual, laughing heartily and discussing the latest news from the company and the space industry, went to the cafeteria for lunch. «I’ll have rice with chicken, thank you,» I nodded at the counter, putting my plate on the tray.

Our line at the counter in the room filled with noise and hubbub of people was already coming to an end. I reached for the cutlery. And suddenly I felt a heavy, insistent gaze on me.

I turned around and saw brown eyes staring up at me, filled with… anger, fear, rejection? It was as if the woman was trying to poison me with her gaze, to put into it all the destructive power that a person can have inside, but as if she knew in advance that she was not capable of it. Behind that gaze was hiding a small wounded child, trying to convince me through intimidation that he himself was not afraid. He was broken by my suddenly appearing cold indifference.

Having carefully examined her face, I turned away, took the tray and silently walked to the other end of the canteen.

I knew who it was. Christina. Lev’s wife. I didn’t ask myself then what could be the reason for her angry look, but I caught something vaguely familiar in it. But why would she look like that? Could she have a premonition of something, or simply see me as a potential rival? It’s stupid – the company is full of beautiful young girls. She can’t see right through my thoughts about her husband, can she? Apparently, it’s not for nothing that they talk about the power of women’s intuition.