Юлия Пирумова – Fragile connections. How wounded narcissism prevents us from living in peace with ourselves and others (страница 7)

Physically, it resembled falling into icy water: the body would become heavy, breathing labored, and a sticky horror would spread all around. Moreover, with each passing moment, it seemed more and more that the cold would never end, that there was no way out, and that the darkness would last forever. Dementors robbed people not only of happiness but of the very sense that happiness was even possible. It felt like the awareness of absolute abandonment when it seems that no one will come to help and that salvation is just an illusion. And the scariest part – this feeling did not quickly fade. Even when the Dementors left, their imprint remained in human souls for a long time. People could sense emptiness, as if a part of them had been irrevocably lost.

Many of us, to a greater or lesser extent, carry both the mentioned symptoms and these deeper experiences. This does not make us narcissists. Such states can be caused by traumatic events where the psyche, trying to protect itself, walls itself off from both the inner and outer worlds.

But for those who have survived narcissistic trauma, these sensations are especially familiar: inside – darkness, silence, and emptiness, as if the connection with the living, life-seeking center has been severed. Moreover, the emergence of the warm, vulnerable part that could reach out to the world and to people becomes forbidden and aggressively suppressed. All this creates a feeling of disconnection from others, leaving a sense of isolation and unrealness of what is happening.

Let us set out on a journey of exploration and understanding of what exactly was lost in the process of the formation and development of our Self. And how narcissism, out of a normal defensive mechanism, turned into an instrument for halting our vitality and spontaneity. The goal of our journey is to feel again the connection with ourselves, with others, with the world. Because behind the outer armor, there is still light that is waiting to be noticed.

Chapter Two

Conditions for the Emergence of the Self

When we are born, we do not yet have a Self as a stable psychic structure capable of performing different functions. It will be formed later. But imagine that inside each of us, there is initially a “seed” or some kind of a prototype of our Self – a tiny but incredibly powerful core. It is like a bright little flame hidden deep inside, and whatever happens, it must remain untouched. This core is our essence, our true nature, what makes us unique. Let us call it the Self. It becomes the foundation of our personality and defines who we are and where our authenticity lies.

Born together with our body, the Self goes through a long journey to one day fully unfold its potential. At the beginning of life, it exists as chaotic energy that needs contact with parents. And not just any contact, but warmth, care, love. Like a little star born somewhere in a cold cosmic valley, it reaches out to the great suns to be nourished by their light. Receiving this parental “nourishment”, the Self acquires its own psyche, and we begin to form as personalities.

At first, we are completely dependent on our parents, and there is no question yet of individuality. We learn to feel ourselves as part of something steadier and more stable, identifying with our parents as examples of what we could become.

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