Юлия Пирумова – Fragile connections. How wounded narcissism prevents us from living in peace with ourselves and others (страница 1)

Julia Pirumova

Fragile Connections

From the author

In Pursuit of Healing

One day, while casually re-watching an old lighthearted TV series, I caught myself thinking: “How simple, sincere, and unaffected their lives seem! No endless analysis, no buzzwords like 'abuser' and 'narcissist', no constant discussions about personal boundaries or independence. Just life.” Indeed, those old stories were so full of life.

It struck me then how much we have been “spoiled” by modern psychology (there really should be a little smiley face here, but the editor will not allow it). It became painfully clear that most people I meet today are preoccupied with how “unhealed” or “immature” they still are – as if, somewhere along the way, these became necessary prerequisites for living, loving, building friendships, or having relationships. And so, we all rushed into endless self-work, hoping to one day earn that coveted ticket to the paradise of the healed and normal.

I found myself wondering: When did we fall so deeply in love with the idea of self-perfection? When did self-work start to look more like a moral obligation than a living process of seeking ourselves? It feels like we have turned our inner lives into projects with strict deadlines, where every “immature” feeling is a missed milestone, and every unresolved pain is a failed assignment.

Paradoxically, in our desperate race for healing, we often lose life itself – interrupting it at every step with self-monitoring: “Am I mature enough now?” “Am I still too unhealed?” Instead of simply feeling, loving, making mistakes, we analyze ourselves, scan every emotion for “trauma”, and keep thinking: “Just a little more work on myself and then I can finally be happy…”.

But life is not a checklist waiting for all boxes to be ticked. The maturity we will reflect on together is not a prize for good behavior, not a status awarded after mastering every psychological level. It is a path, a movement shaped by how we meet reality and weave it into the fabric of who we are.

At the very start, it is important to remember:

Life does not wait for us to solve all our internal conflicts or reach “full maturity”.

It is already happening – right here, right now.

And perhaps, our task is not to “fix ourselves” but to learn to live within this imperfect human experience – to coexist with our inner paradoxes, with that strange mix of love, fear, desire, and anxiety that makes us alive, instead of endlessly postponing life under the pretext of self-improvement.

Let us think about this together. Without rushing. Without judgment. Simply observing the remarkable puzzle of our Self slowly coming together.

You are holding a special work in your hands – a book that brings together knowledge from different fields of psychology. This information will help you better understand your mental life. It will help you find words for your inner processes and states, those vague sensations you may have felt but never clearly named.

This book is an invitation to a deep dialogue with yourself. It will help you understand the structure of your relationships with the world, with others, and, most importantly, with yourself. You will see how wounds, disappointments, and internal conflicts have shaped your personality and how you can begin the journey back toward your own integrity.

As you read and reflect, your unconscious will awaken. Your dreams may grow richer, your fantasies bolder, your memories more vivid. You will start noticing inner patterns that previously lived quietly in the background. It will not always be easy, but that is how we begin to truly know ourselves.

In every chapter, you will find life stories, which do not provide theoretical explanations but help you recognize yourself in other people. You will see that your background is a part of the shared human experience, and this realization will bring you closer to others.

Practical exercises, reflection prompts, and checklists encountered throughout the book are not simple tasks to complete but a gentle way to build a deeper connection with yourself. Gradually, you will learn to recognize where harsh, critical voices dominate your inner world, and how you might soften their hold.

This book will guide you through essential stages: from acknowledging your wounds and vulnerability, to discovering the strength hidden within your authenticity. You will see how your Adult Self can become a guide for your Inner Child, helping them leave their lonely inner exile. You will begin to sense freedom from the destructive inner filters that make the outside world seem so unbearable to you today.

Together, we will work on changing your internal dialogue, so that, over time, the stern voice of self-criticism gives way to a voice that is respectful and supportive. By the end of this journey, you will feel closer to yourself —

more alive, more whole, more real. This is not a journey of “fixing yourself”. It is a journey of discovering and accepting the self that, perhaps, you have never truly known.

Introduction

The Epidemic of Narcissistic Loneliness

Yes, the very same you might have read about in books and articles, usually portrayed as some kind of inner enemy. But what if I, your narcissism, have always been on your side? I'm not about arrogance or selfishness. I am your protection. A subtle, complex mechanism that helped you cope with hardships and preserve yourself when the world seemed not to see you or worse, to reject you.

Once, I was simply a part of your inner childhood world. Born alongside you so that your sense of self could emerge. I helped you feel: “I exist. I matter.” But then I saw how often you lacked acceptance, safety, support. So, I stepped in stronger.

I began creating roles and masks for you so that you wouldn't have to face the pain of your real self being unseen, uninteresting, or unwanted. Those roles helped you survive, but over time, they started getting in the way of living. I see how you sometimes wake up feeling the day is already lost. How every action turns into a tiny test: Was it good enough? Fast enough? Smart enough? How even rest becomes a competition: who got more done, who was more productive? That's not you. That's me whispering that if you just try a little harder, you'll feel worthy. But that voice – it's not your true essence. It's just an echo of the old pain I tried to muffle but only made louder.

You know, I always wanted one thing: for you to feel significant. Remember how, as a child, you craved being noticed? How you lit up when someone praised your drawing, your schoolwork, your bravery or kindness? That was me, whispering: “You can do it! You're important!” My task was to make sure you never forgot that feeling.

I wanted you to see yourself through the eyes of those who loved you. I worked so hard hoping you'd find such eyes and reflect yourself in them! So that you could say, “I exist. And that's enough.” I could have been the cement holding together the fragments of your self, helping you realize you are unique, worthy, whole. But sometimes, the world didn't respond.

Often, those whose acknowledgment you longed for turned away or criticized you. Even those closest to you couldn't always give what you needed. I whispered: “Hold on. Don't show weakness. You can do it!” I tried so hard to shield you from new wounds, new rejections that, without noticing, I became more of a captor than a supporter.

And now, when I see how my protection brings you resentment, anger, and exhaustion, it hurts me too. I never meant for it to end up this way. I just tried to keep you from falling, feeling worthless or not enough. And it seems, I overdid it. Instead of inspiring you, I began to control you. Instead of freedom, I built endless checklists: good enough, right enough, fast enough.

I see how hard it is for you. How you look in the mirror and feel unsure. How you hold back bold steps, afraid of making mistakes. How you close off when you want to show true feelings, because you're afraid of judgment. This is not what I wanted for you. This is not what you deserve.

I'm here to say: it's time for me to stop being your overseer. I want to become your ally, helping you see that even with all your imperfections, you are already good enough. Let's rewrite the story of our relationship in order to cooperate for your better future.

In psychoanalysis, narcissism is not just a character trait and certainly not simply a mental disorder. It is a fundamental structure that shapes our relationship with ourselves and others. At its core lies the ability to feel one's own value and significance, which is an essential part of psychological health. It is how we build our sense of self, balancing internal experiences with external expectations.

In early childhood, narcissism is natural: the child sees themselves as the center of the world, and that grandiosity helps their Self to grow. The “narcissistic piggy bank” gathers together the history of our relationship with ourselves. It holds all traces of love and rejection, joy and sorrow, unexpected discoveries in relationships with our close ones and devastating losses. Narcissism is designed by nature precisely to allow our Self to first emerge within the field of relationships with parents. Like connecting cement, it binds the scattered puzzles of our Self into a holistic view of ourselves, so we can rely on it and navigate our inner world.