Trish Wylie – His Girl Next Door: The Army Ranger's Return / New York's Finest Rebel / The Girl from Honeysuckle Farm (страница 19)
“I’m not saying anything if you’re not. It’s your choice.”
She kissed her brother on the cheek. “So if you liked him so much why were you so hard on him?”
That made him grin. “I had to test him. No point letting him off easy.”
Jessica rolled her eyes. “You’re terrible.”
He linked arms with her and they walked back into the kitchen. “Nope, I’m your big brother. And it means I’m allowed to be the tough guy.”
As much as she moaned about him, there sure was something nice about knowing she had Steve around to protect her.
Ryan sat on his bed and toyed with his dog tag. It comforted him, the weight of it, reminded him of all those nights he’d lain awake on the other side of the world. Thinking about what he’d done, what he should have done and what the future held.
Part of him was itching to be back with his unit, but the other part was feeling settled. Happy to be back home on American soil.
And spending time with a girl he was going crazy about.
But it wasn’t helping him with his son. Jessica had helped him, plenty, but his feelings for her weren’t making things right with George. Instead he was showing her the person he wanted to be without proving the same to his son.
Something was weird about being back under the same roof as his parents. About having his son down the hall yet not feeling brave enough to go into his room to try to talk to him.
When he’d gone back to war after his wife died, he hadn’t had a choice. He had been granted emergency leave when she’d been diagnosed, and the army had been understanding when he’d kept extending it. But the reality was that he’d owed them more time, and even though it had been hard going away again after all that had happened, he’d done it.
Back then, he’d told his parents they could move into his house, to keep things less traumatic for George. Besides, their place had been small, and the home Ryan had shared with his wife was comfortable and much bigger.
Ryan had felt like his paying the mortgage, making sure his parents and son were financially okay, was enough. But it hadn’t been enough and until a couple of weeks ago he hadn’t truly understood that.
Jessica was helping him to clear his head. To realize what it meant to be a real father again. Somehow her letters and her compassion, the way she made him feel when they were together, were reminding him of the man he’d once been.
Because right now the man he was around her wasn’t the same man he was around his son.
And it was fear holding him back. Because when his son refused to talk to him, he wasn’t telling him he hated him. Ryan could still pretend that one day things might be okay again.
But unless he did something about it, he might lose his chance forever.
He smiled as he thought about Jessica. About the way she’d fallen into his arms tonight and kissed him like he’d almost forgotten how to. It had been a long time since he’d held a woman, and with her he felt like himself again.
It spurred him into action. If he was going to be that guy, he had to be him in every aspect of his life. And that meant making things right with George.
Now.
No more excuses.
He got up and opened the door, then walked down the hall. Light was still spilling out from beneath his son’s door, even though it was late.
Ryan knocked softly. There was no response, so he opened it.
George was lying on his bed, earphones in his ears, iPod resting on his chest. The lamp was still on, even though he’d fallen asleep.
He stood there, towering over his boy as he slept. His face was so young in slumber. There was no trace of the sulky preteen, almost a hint of the face he’d known years ago, when they’d been so close.
Ryan bent to pick up the iPod and gently reached to take the earphones out.
George stirred. Then opened his eyes.
Ryan froze.
His son went to say something, went to move, but Ryan put his hand against George’s chest and slowly bent his legs until he could sit on the bed. George didn’t say a word.
There were questions in his son’s eyes. Questions he wished would come out in the open so he could tell him the truth, could tell him how sorry he was.
George pulled the cord so his ears were free. Then glared at him. Ryan went to move, to stand up again, but his son grabbed his hand. Made him stop. Then George burst into tears, his entire body shaking from the sobs deep in his chest.
“Come here.” Ryan took his boy into his arms and held him, held him so tight he hoped he wasn’t hurting him, and fought the emotions that were running through his own body, thrumming through him, desperate to escape. His eyes were burning, body tense as he held his son, the boy suddenly feeling so young and vulnerable in his arms. “Shhh, it’s okay.”
“You left me,” George managed to say between sobs. “Why did you leave me?”
“I’m sorry,” he said, holding him even tighter, never wanting to let him go. “I’m so, so sorry.”
“Grams told me,” George sobbed, “she said you would be leaving again soon.”
Ryan squeezed his eyes shut and did his best to force away his own tears, to push them away and be strong for his son. It was like his heart was being pulled from his body to beat in the unforgiving heat of the desert sun. Left to wither, exposed to the world.
“I’ll never leave you like that again, ever.” Ryan said the words into his son’s hair. “I promise.”
“But you are going back?”
George pushed away from him to sit upright. His eyes full of hurt, questioning his father.
“I am going back,” he said, knowing he had to be honest. There was no point in pretending otherwise. But it was also time for him to be honest with himself. He wasn’t done with the army, not yet, and he’d already agreed to another term. But it was time to prioritize, and he’d given his country years of service. Had been a dedicated and loyal soldier.
Now maybe it was time to put that same amount of energy into being the father he’d once been. The father he’d always wanted to be. Maybe it wasn’t just about his duty to the army anymore.
“This time will be my last tour,” he said, knowing he was speaking the truth, even though he’d never decided, until right now, that it was going to be his final stint away. “I will go away one more time, then I’ll be done. And this time I’ll be there for you even though I’m away—we’ll stay in touch properly, okay?”
George looked unsure, hesitant, but Ryan didn’t care. Tonight had been a major breakthrough. And all it had taken was some courage on his behalf to take the first step. His son might not believe his words yet, but Ryan would see his promise through and show his son he could be trusted. It was up to him to give George a reason to trust in him.
“You promise?”
He nodded and pulled his boy in for another hug. “I promise, kid. I’m not going to let you down again.”
George held him back hard, clinging on to his father, and Ryan sent a silent prayer skyward. He wouldn’t trade anything for this moment. The pain in his arm, the hurt of his memories, nothing would be worth sacrificing for knowing his son was close. For feeling like forgiveness was possible.
For remembering what it was like to be a real dad again.
JESSICA SAT OUTSIDE, one hand raised to shield her eyes from the sun. Hercules lay at her feet, her constant companion. She ran the toes of one foot across his fur, the touch comforting her.
She couldn’t stop thinking about the letter she’d almost sent Ryan. The one in which she’d tried to tell him everything. The one that was her opening her heart and telling him what had happened in her past, and what she was scared might happen in her future.
But then she’d scrunched it up into a ball and thrown it out. Forgotten about it. Except for last night, when the words of that letter had played over and over in her mind. She hadn’t even realized they’d be in her memory bank still, but they had been. Every single word. Keeping sleep from her and haunting her thoughts.
Maybe her brother was right. Maybe she should tell Ryan. Maybe it was the right thing to do.
But she wasn’t going to. If she did, she’d have to end their romance. Right now. Or more likely he’d end it straight away before she had the chance.
If she didn’t? They could continue on, enjoying themselves, and Ryan could go back to his unit oblivious to what she’d been through. And why should he know? He had enough of his own problems to deal with.
Jess stood and stretched. She needed to get back into her studio and paint, unwind and enjoy her creativity. There was no use worrying over something once you’d made a decision, and she had.
It didn’t matter how many times she went over it.
Ryan wasn’t going to find out, she wasn’t going to tell him, and that was the end of it.
“Come on, mister.”
Hercules yawned and padded after her.