Soraya Lane – Mission: Soldier to Daddy (страница 2)

His son beamed and grabbed his hand, tugging him in the direction he’d come from. “Come on, Dad.”

Luke looked over his shoulder at Ollie and almost wished he’d stayed away. This was harder than he’d expected, and then some. He’d come home to see his son, but looking at his wife, he was wishing he’d made more of an effort in that department, too. More than an effort, he wished he’d taken the time to make things right.

When Luke looked back at her, gave her that soft smile he used to throw her way so often, Olivia almost broke down, but she was determined not to cry. She had to be strong for their son. It was all that mattered right now.

After all this time, of wishing Luke would come home, to almost wishing he’d never come back into their lives again, he was here. And she had to deal with it.

Those first few months had been the hardest, but then she’d become used to not having her husband around. She’d met other moms, new friends, fitted in in a way she hadn’t thought possible. Developed a new life, like a widow. And regretted all the times she’d raised her voice at her husband, when she should have tried listening to him instead.

She’d well and truly prepared for the fact that he might never come home. Until now. His dedication to the army was something to be proud of, but the way he’d hurt her wasn’t.

Olivia walked bravely into the living room and watched her son, rabbiting on to his father and dumping toys all over the ground as if he was playing show-and-tell. Luke had taken his jacket off and lay spread out on the floor, his uniformed legs eating up the carpet, white undershirt a contrast to the charcoal weave.

She ached to reach out and touch him, no matter how much she hated herself for thinking that, but he was just so damn gorgeous. So handsome, and the memories she had of him were so good. It was as if she needed to make contact with his skin to prove that he was here. Alive. In their house.

But reuniting with Luke wasn’t a possibility. The thrum of hurt still ached like a constant thud, and having him back only made the pain more real. She couldn’t do it again. Not now. She’d finally rebuilt her life, and if she lost him again she’d never recover.

The divorce papers were in her bag; she just had to decide when to tell him. She was sure he’d given up on their marriage long before she had, so now it was just time to make it official.

“Okay, time to let me talk to your mom, okay?” she heard him tell Charlie.

Olivia turned to see Luke pull his big frame up to full height.

“Coffee?” she asked, busying herself in the kitchen for something to do.

He nodded and sat down across from her. She sensed him watching her as she dropped instant coffee into each cup. Scooped sugar into her mug, then refilled the dispenser—anything to avoid his gaze.

“Nice place here.”

Olivia paused and looked at him. “I had to move. It just wasn’t practical to stay in the old house.” Her voice had a bite to it. A snap she hadn’t intended.

Luke raised his hands. “I didn’t mean anything by it. You don’t have to explain.”

Heat hit her cheeks and she turned to pour boiling water into each cup. Of course he hadn’t meant anything by it. She was just jittery and jumping to conclusions.

“Luke, I …” She placed the mug in front of him and tried to find the words.

He reached out to her, catching her wrist as she let one hand rest on the counter. The simple press of his skin against hers made her pull away, recoil. But it also made her flush with something other than anger. Because she still wanted Luke, no matter how much she tried to make herself think otherwise.

“You don’t have to say anything. This is hard for me, too, Ollie.”

No! she wanted to scream at him. You have no idea how I feel, no idea how lonely I’ve been, how some nights I just wished you were dead, so I could move on with my life.

There had been times when she’d almost wished the worst would happen to him, even though the guilt of her thoughts would later eat away at her. But the way things had ended between them, the regrets she had for what she’d said and done, the pain from his actions, had pushed her to the edge.

She stood and sipped her coffee, hand shaking ever so slightly. Luke did the same, but he didn’t look back at her. Instead he stared into the black liquid, eyes down. She hoped he couldn’t read her thoughts.

“Mommy?”

Charlie’s voice pulled her back to reality. A welcome relief to the strained feeling between her and Luke.

“Can we go outside?”

She glanced at Luke and he nodded, taking a few quick sips of his drink before standing. Charlie looked innocent, his head on a slight angle as if he wasn’t sure what was happening.

“Let’s go kick a ball or something, huh?” Luke suggested.

Ollie watched as he took Charlie’s hand. Watched as they walked from the room and out the door, father and son.

Luke was all muscle—lean and toned. A bit on the thin side, but handsome and strong nonetheless. Her body still yearned for him, and so did her heart, but things were different now. He’d broken his promise and left her, and she could never forgive him for ending things. She had to protect herself and her son.

It wasn’t that she didn’t believe in patriotism. She did. But she also believed in family. A soldier didn’t just walk out on his family, no matter what. Not like Luke had. Could she ever trust him not to leave Charlie again?

“He’s out cold.”

Luke sat back down at the table and poured himself another glass of wine. He hadn’t drunk more than the odd beer in years, but this was at least helping him deal with being back.

Ollie looked up at him, and he resisted the urge to reach out. To touch her and remember what things had once been like for them. He knew it was a lot to expect, her having him here, but it wasn’t as if they were pretending to be together again. Except maybe just a little, to keep things uncomplicated for their son.

“Why didn’t you call, Luke?”

If he could have hung his head any lower, he would have. He’d been a lousy husband and an even worse dad, and he had no excuse. But her question still made him feel like dirt. Luke took another sip of wine and stared back at her.

“We were lucky to hear from you every other month.”

He frowned. “It was hard to make contact.” He knew it sounded phony, and the truth was he should have made more of an effort, but … damn it! He knew he’d stuffed up, and it wasn’t something he’d wanted to do.

“Bull!” She stood with a thump, glaring at him as she swore. “Don’t lie to me, Luke. You had a little boy here who cried for his daddy night after night, and you couldn’t make the effort to call more? He’s had to grow up without even remembering or knowing who you were.”

Luke stayed seated. He was not going to argue with her. Not on his first night home. Not like they used to. But at one point, when he had been at his lowest, that’s what he’d wanted: for Charlie to forget him so he never knew the pain of loss.

“Keep your voice down, Ollie. You’ll wake Charlie,” he said.

“How dare you!” she growled. “I’ve kept my voice down every night, doing nothing but look after our son. He’s been my life, Luke. While you’ve been off fighting for our country, I’ve been fighting for our son. For me. For our family.” She paused and glared at him, her voice dropping an octave. “While you decided not to give a damn.”

Her eyes were full of tears. Luke looked away. He couldn’t watch her. Couldn’t bear to see the sadness, the emptiness in her eyes. Worst of all, he knew she was right.

“I know it’s been hard for you.…”

The silence that stretched between them seemed to drain the air of oxygen. But it wasn’t just his fault, was it? Ollie hadn’t exactly acted as if she’d wanted him to stay, and he’d never forgotten it.

“You have no idea how hard it’s been, Luke. Don’t even try to understand. I was here alone, with a little boy who deserved a father.” Her voice cracked. “It wasn’t that you left me, it was that you left our son.”

Luke stood and walked into the kitchen. He couldn’t hide behind the excuse of being a soldier any longer, and Ollie was right. His son didn’t deserve to grow up without a dad, and he knew firsthand why. Because it was how he’d grown up, and he’d come home to make sure history didn’t repeat itself, that his son knew him.

“Olivia, I’m sorry. I am.”

“You forget that I’ve been around army wives for the last two years.” Olivia was standing behind him in the kitchen now, her voice still laced with tears. “They had calls at least every month, once a week even, and their husbands took leave and came home, even if it was only a few days. With your rank … Oh, I don’t even know anymore, Luke. But I do know that you could have done more.”

He looked back at his wife, ashamed. Walking out had been the easy option for him when things had become difficult, and he’d taken it. When their son had refused to sleep, when his wife had never believed he would have married her unless she was pregnant, knowing that he could die on deployment and leave his boy without a dad, just as he’d experienced …

“It was too hard to talk to you, Ollie. Charlie, too. It was easier not to.” It was a struggle to push the words out, to make himself be honest with her. “You have no idea how many times I picked up a phone, how many times I wanted to talk to you and couldn’t go through with it.”