Рони Лорен – Crash Into You (страница 11)
She sank back against the arm of the couch and put her hand to her sweat-slicked neck, the rawness in her throat confirming where the scream came from. “Dammit.”
She hadn’t had a nightmare in over a month and had dared to hope she was past them. But the blanket twisted around her legs and her pounding heart confirmed otherwise. She rubbed her eyes with her hands, the familiar images from the awful dream seeping through now that her mind was fully awake.
Unwanted hands. Being trapped. Darkness. Flashes of the always-faceless rapist now mixing with the image of the man who’d attacked her in Kelsey’s stairwell.
She released a groan of frustration and threw the blanket off her. “I am so
She wanted to holler the words, throw something through the sunny window, shake her fists at the fates. But she knew none of it would do any good. And right now, she didn’t have time to bellyache about her own problems.
She glanced at the clock on her DVD player. Right past noon. She’d stayed up all night, calling Kelsey’s friends, the clubs she’d worked at in the past, hospitals, and even put in a message with her police contact. But so far, she didn’t have squat and was at a loss as to what her next step should be.
Pound the pavement to talk to people in person? Report her missing?
She shook her head. Part of her wished she could just shrug the whole thing off and chalk it up to Kelsey being irresponsible. But she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was really wrong. Why wouldn’t Kels have called her or left a note, something? She’d sounded really freaked out on the phone. Was she using again? Was that what this was about? She hoped to God that wasn’t the case. Last time her sister had gone on a bender she’d nearly killed herself.
The memory clenched Brynn’s chest in a vise grip. Kelsey was the only family she had left. If she lost her…
She gave herself a mental shake and took a breath. No. She wouldn’t go there. Would. Not.
She grabbed her cell phone off the coffee table and checked the screen. No messages. With a sigh, she leaned forward to set it back down, but it rang in her hand. The sudden noise made her jump, but she had the phone to her ear in record time.
“Hello?”
“Brynn, it’s me.”
Reid. Even after ten years, he apparently didn’t feel the need to say who it was. Like he knew she’d be able to identify his voice from any other man’s. She could. “Hey.”
“Any word from your sister?”
“No one’s seen her or heard from her. I’m running out of people to call. What about you? Did you find out anything?”
Papers shuffled, like he was turning the page of a notebook. “I talked to someone who’s a member and found out that The Ranch does hire attendants and pays them well. A person gets a bonus of ten grand when he or she completes the intense training program, which apparently involves a few weeks of total immersion in each side of the D/s relationship.”
“Wow, that’s a lot of money.”
“Yeah, no kidding. It could be pretty tempting for someone like Kelsey.”
She tucked her legs beneath her. “So how do I find out if she’s taken a job there?”
He sighed. “That’s the problem. The place is like Fort Knox. The only way you’re going to find out is if you go there yourself and look for her. My friend said he could probably get you in as a guest.”
She swallowed hard. “How would that work?”
“They don’t allow doms to come in as guests, only as full members, so your only option is to go in as a sexual submissive. You would have to be willing to submit to a member.”
Her fingers curled into the twisted blanket on the couch, the material still damp from her sweat-inducing nightmare. A bone-deep shudder went through her. “Reid, I don’t… I can’t… do that.”
The line went quiet, and she wondered if the call had dropped, but then he took a breath. “I could go with you. Save you the stranger part.”
Her throat seemed to close. Not just submit, but submit to
“Brynn?”
“No,” she bit out, her voice finally returning. “No fucking way.”
He snorted. “Calm down, LeBreck. It was just an idea. If you’d rather hand yourself over to some stranger, I’m sure there will be many at The Ranch happy to oblige.”
She closed her eyes, bile burning the back of her throat. No way would she survive either of his suggestions. “Let me make a few more calls. I’ll let you know if I need your friend’s help.”
“You know where to find me.”
“Why’d I even bother?” Brynn hung up her office phone and rubbed her forehead, a piercing headache hatching behind her eyes. Two days with hardly any sleep, and her body was no longer responding to caffeine.
A light tap on her open door made her lift her gaze. Mel stepped into her office, lines of concern creasing her forehead. “Still no word from your sister?”
Brynn shook her head. “I just keep calling her like all of a sudden she’s going to come to her senses and answer her phone.”
Mel plopped into the chair across from Brynn’s desk. “So what now?”
Brynn sighed, her shoulders sagging. “I have no idea. I’ve talked to everyone I can think of, and I can’t even officially report her missing to the police until tonight.”
“What about Reid’s friend? Have you given any more thought to trying to get into that resort? Sounds like a good lead.”
Her stomach flipped over. “Mel, I don’t know if I could pull that off. I thought I was past all this crap. I did the therapy, took the self-defense classes, but the minute that guy put his hands on me the other night, the panic sucked me in. I was completely useless.”
Mel eyed her for a long moment, and Brynn could almost hear the gears grinding in her friend’s head.
Brynn pursed her lips. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
“What if…” Mel said, then waved her hand. “Never mind.”
“Oh, no,” Brynn said, shaking her head. “Just say whatever it is you’re thinking. It’s not like you’ve ever held back before.”
She leaned forward and straightened the papers in Brynn’s outbox, adeptly avoiding eye contact. “I don’t know, it’s just, maybe this is exactly what you need, you know? Exposure therapy.”
Brynn stared at Mel as if her friend had sprouted antlers. “Are you being serious? Exposure therapy?”
She shrugged, but still didn’t raise her eyes.
“Don’t you think turning myself over to some stranger’s sexual demands is a bit of an extreme prescription? I was raped, Mel. It’s not like I’m trying to kick a fear of spiders or something.”
She cringed. “I’m sorry, B. I’m not trying to minimize what you’ve been through. I just wish I could help you get past it. Exposure therapy is brutal, but you know it can be effective.”
Brynn waved a dismissive hand. “I already did the protocol with a therapist where I went through a retelling. The exposure stuff hasn’t worked. It didn’t even get the nightmares to stop.”
“Experiencing the memory in the counselor’s office isn’t the same as putting yourself in your most feared situation. And it wouldn’t be like getting raped again. They have rules at places like that. You could make the person stop at any time.”
Brynn pinched the bridge of her nose, the pounding in her head getting worse. “Mel, I love you, but you’re talking crazy. Not only does the whole idea make me feel like I’m going to puke, but I’m not going to hand my body over to some stranger who gets off on hitting women. I spend all day working with my clients trying to get them away from men like that.”
She sighed. “Dominance and abuse are two totally different things. You and I both know that.”
Brynn quirked an eyebrow. “Sounds like you’re speaking from experience.”
She shrugged, and then focused on picking invisible lint off her black pants. “I may have gone to one of those kink clubs once during grad school.”
“And you didn’t tell me? What sort of roommate leaves that kind of choice information out? I told you everything that was going on with me.”
“Oh, like that was so scandalous,” she said, looking up and smirking. “You were dating an accounting major for God’s sake. I didn’t want to freak you out. And anyway, I just went for research purposes. I didn’t actually participate in anything.”
Brynn propped her elbows on her desk and placed her chin in her hands. “So what exactly did you do if you didn’t join in?”
Melody rolled her eyes. “Duh. Watched.”
Brynn leaned back in her chair. “Oh, hell, I hadn’t even thought about that part. Even if I had the guts to try to get in the club, I forgot about the fact that others could see me.”
“Hey, that’s not necessarily a bad thing.” Mel’s voice took on a saucy tone. “Some people find it exciting to be watched. You never know, you may be an exhibitionist under that good-girl facade.”
A long-dormant memory tickled the back of Brynn’s mind, making her cheeks heat. Her best friend had no idea how, once upon at time, she’d been far from angelic. She cleared her throat. “Sounds like my personal nightmare, not a fantasy.”
Mel gave her a sympathetic smile. “Fair enough. Just know I’m not trying to tell you what to do, hon. You need to figure out what feels right for you.” She stood and gave Brynn’s hand a quick squeeze. “But either way, Kelsey is lucky to have a sister who still cares enough to worry about her. A lot of people would’ve given up on her a long time ago.”