Роман Алексеев – The Abyss Kisses Ya Back (страница 12)

She appeared at exactly the agreed time. She looked beautiful, as always, but her face was tense. She sat down across from me, ordered tea, and kept silent for a long while, fidgeting with that napkin.

"Sasha," she finally began, not lifting her eyes, "I have to tell you something. And it's really hard."

My mouth went instantly dry.

"What happened?"

"I'm… I'm seeing Dima."

For the first few seconds, the words didn't register. Seeing Dima? Well, sure, they were friends — of course they saw each other.

"I don't understand," I said.

She raised her eyes to me, and I saw tears in them.

"We're… we're together. Since Monday. I fell in love with him, Sasha. I didn't want to. It just… happened."

The world tilted. The sounds of the café went muffled, as if I'd sunk underwater. I stared at Vika and couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"But… but we… at the dacha… we talked about our future…"

"I know. And I'm so ashamed. But I can't change the way I feel."

"When did this start?"

She sighed and rubbed her temples.

"When I got back from the dacha, Dima called. He said he wanted to talk. We met in the park, and he… he told me he's been in love with me for a long time. That he's been suffering over it for half a year."

"And you just… right away…?"

"Not right away. At first I told him about you and me. But he was so sincere, so… real. And I realized I felt something for him that was more than friendship."

"More than what you feel for me?"

She covered her face with her hands.

"Sasha, please, don't make me explain everything. This is painful for both of us."

"No. Explain. I have a right to know."

She was silent for a long time, then took a deep breath.

"With Dima it's… easier. He's simple. Easy to understand. With him I feel like an ordinary girl who can just love and be loved. But with you… with you everything is too complicated."

"Complicated?"

"You're always thinking about these deep things. Philosophy, the meaning of life, the nature of reality… Even when we're just walking around, I can tell your head is somewhere else. You look at me, but it's like you're seeing something through me."

I tried to object, but she kept going.

"And at the dacha, too. Even when we were… close, I could feel that part of you was far away. Like you were analyzing what was happening, trying to find some hidden meaning in it."

"That's not true…"

"It is true, Sasha. And you know what? Maybe for someone else that would be interesting. An older girl, a smarter one… But I just want to be happy. Not to search for truth, not to dig into the depths of consciousness. Just to love and be loved."

Those words hurt worse than physical pain.

"So I can't give you simple happiness?"

"You can't. Because for you, nothing is ever simple. You complicate everything you touch."

I sat there in silence, feeling everything inside me collapse. All the plans, all the dreams, everything I'd imagined for the future — all of it turning to ash.

"But what about… what about our plans? University, a life together…"

"Sasha, can you really make plans for your whole life?"

"You can, if you love someone."

"But I don't love you anymore. Not the way you need. I'm sorry."

She reached out to touch my hand, but I pulled away.

"Does Dima know about… about what happened between us?"

"He knows."

"Everything?"

She blushed.

"Yes."

"How very generous of him."

"He's been your best friend for years."

Vika lifted her eyes to me — eyes full of tears and some desperate resolve.

"Sasha," she said quietly, "I have to tell you everything. The whole truth. You have a right to know."

"What truth is that?"

She took a deep breath, as if she were about to jump off a cliff.

"Dima and I… we kissed once. Back in school."

The world tilted again. I stared at her, not believing my ears.

"What?"

"After graduation. He… he kissed me. Told me he'd wanted to do it for a long time."

God, it was so hard to listen to this truth. But I forced myself to stay silent.

"And then what?" I asked, feeling everything inside me go cold.

"At first I told him it was stupid. But he was so sincere, so defenseless…" Vika was tearing at the napkin harder and harder. "And we started seeing each other. In secret. Every now and then. Nothing serious — playing at love."

"And then I showed up," I said bitterly.

"Yes." She didn't raise her eyes. "And I told Dima we had to stop. Told him I was with you."

"How did he take it?"

"Badly. Really badly. He called you an upstart. Said you were playing with me, that you didn't really love me." Her voice was shaking. "I slapped him. And he started crying."

I sat there, processing what I'd heard. So all that time, while Vika and I were making plans, Dima was suffering. And hating me.

"But he didn't give up," Vika went on. "He followed us. I knew it. Sometimes I'd spot him in a crowd when we were out walking. He thought I didn't see."

"He followed us?"

"Lena told him about our plan to go to the dacha."

My throat went dry.