Полина Саймонс – The Tiger Catcher (страница 19)

Ashton finally arrived insultingly late and unforgivably underdressed. He wore ripped jeans and an unwashed navy T-shirt. He hadn’t shaved. And worst of all: he was sullen.

The man was usually impeccably outfitted and a charmer, especially when meeting new people, especially when meeting women. And he didn’t even apologize! He was cool toward Josephine, which wasn’t a surprise, but even cooler toward Zakiyyah. She looked up, he looked down, she half waved, he half nodded. The only empty chair was next to her, so he had no choice but to take it, but his body language said he wanted out. He held the fanned-out menu between him and Z. After they ordered, Ashton turned to Julian, and when he saw Julian silently judging his attire, he pointed out they were having ham sandwiches. “What could you possibly wear that’s too casual for a ham sandwich?” Ashton said. “A ham sandwich is something you have in bed with a chick while watching Entourage reruns.” That was the least offensive thing he would say all afternoon.

Having been at the table less than five minutes, Ashton, instead of charming the girls, decided on a different approach. He became as obnoxious as possible. Without meeting anyone’s gaze, staring either into his water glass or at the side of Zakiyyah’s neck, he brusquely asked Z what she did for a living and cut her off halfway through her answer. Minutes later he returned to her with a “Sorry, you were saying?” Never mind, said Zakiyyah. When Josephine prodded Ashton to tell her about his extreme adventures in the American West, he dismissed her by saying he had always hated the outdoors, which was not only the opposite of true but a conversation killer.

“Really?” Josephine said. “But Jules told me you love hiking.”

“Jules told you that, did he?” said Ashton. “It may be wishful thinking on his part. He’s the one who digs the outdoors.”

Fondly Josephine laughed. “Julian doesn’t like the outdoors, what are you talking about,” she said. “He hates the outdoors. Except for the beach. Otherwise, he is not one with nature.”

Ashton took a long swig of Coke, wishing perhaps it were something stronger. “Is that what he told you?” After a strained moment, Ashton barreled on. “Paraphrasing Milton, I myself hate the outdoors with a steadfast hate. My main issue, you see, is that I don’t enjoy any of the things that share the outdoors with me. If you saw my reaction to a tarantula or a snake, I can promise you, I would not be cool and I would not be manly. No, not since Julian’s little mishap with the outdoors have I liked it. I’d just as soon stay inside Tequila’s Cantina and drink all day. Drinking and being hungover is really the only exercise I get.”

Before Julian could speed on to another subject, “What little mishap?” a dumbfounded Josephine said.

“You drink?” said Zakiyyah. “That’s a surprise.”

“I drink now, sure,” Ashton said, “but not like before, in college. God, who could; right, Jules?”

She stared at Ashton with hostility and at Josephine with resentment. Why did you bring me here, she seemed to be saying and jumped up to use the ladies. Apologetically Josephine followed.

“Dude, what’s wrong with you?” Julian hissed as soon as the girls were out of earshot.

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“You’re supposed to charm them, not make them hate you—and by extension me!”

“I’m being myself, Julian,” Ashton said.

“Really?” Julian said. “You feel this is how women usually react to you? Bolt and run? What if they don’t come back?”

Ashton’s gaze flicked to the sky as if to say please God. “They needed to powder their noses. How’s that my fault?”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“I can’t be liked by everybody, bro,” the blond man replied philosophically. “Not my fault they have a problem with me. I’m the same. I’m not the one who’s changed.” The two friends sat in silence for a moment. Just as Julian was about to speak, Ashton nodded in the direction of the returning women.

“What mishap did Julian have outdoors?” Josephine asked as soon as she took her seat.

“Never mind,” Julian said, wanting to kick Ashton for opening his big mouth.

“Yeah, Josephine, never mind, Jules is right, it was nothing,” Ashton said. “We were hiking, and he got lost, that’s all. We couldn’t find him for a long time. We were sure he was dead. But then,” Ashton exclaimed, “we found him! Ah, yes, all’s well that ends well, don’t you agree? No use flailing about it now, when he’s right next to you. It’s great, by the way, how you two have hit it off. Sometimes these things go so badly.”

A piece of chewed food fell out of his mouth and onto his T-shirt. He flicked it off and continued eating.

Zakiyyah started to say something, but Ashton interrupted. “In college, I once went out with a girl who didn’t speak English,” he said, his mouth full of ham and bread.

“Was that before or after drinking?” said Zakiyyah.

“During,” Ashton replied. “Remember her, Jules? Maniki? Correction—Maniki did not speak good English, and that’s much worse than not speaking any English at all. The worst thing a person can be when they’re crap at something is to think they’re good at it.”

“Is that really the worst thing a person can be,” said Zakiyyah.

“Absolutely.” Ashton chewed. “It was one of the longest dates of my life.”

“I wonder how that must have felt,” Zakiyyah said, and Ashton guffawed and turned his attention to Josephine.

“How is Paradise in the Park?” he asked. Josephine smiled, got ready to tell Ashton something about it, but he cut her off with, “I meant, how long’s the play running for?”

“A month. I can get you tickets if you want.”

“Yeah, maybe. I don’t know when, though. Jules and I are supposed to fly down to Cabo for the Fourth. And to be honest, Dante’s not my thing. I prefer more stupid humor.”

“You don’t say,” Zakiyyah said.

“Don’t worry, Ashton, Dante is not that funny,” Josephine said. “Comedy may be a misnomer.”

“Give me a cat tied to a fan or a mediocre fart joke, and I’ll laugh till I cry,” said Ashton. “I’m not proud of it. It’s just how it is.”

Josephine squeezed Julian’s hand under the table. “Cabo?” she asked him quietly.

Julian shook his head, as in don’t worry. Another thing he had completely forgotten.

“So real life hasn’t broken through your little frat party yet?” Zakiyyah asked Ashton, barely turning her head to address him.

“Thank Christ for that.” He barely turned his head when he replied.

“Do you know what Gandhi says?” Zakiyyah said.

Ashton was still chewing. “Are you talking to me?”

“Yes,” Zakiyyah said, her glossy lips tight. “Gandhi says: our thoughts become our words, our words become our actions, our actions become our character, and our character becomes our destiny.”

“Hmm.” Ashton swallowed and loudly slurped his Coke. “Is your intellectual snobbery designed to belittle me? Because thoughts are most certainly not my destiny. I know that for a fact. I’d be in jail for the things I think. But let me tell you what Ashton says. Because you and Julian aren’t the only ones who can rattle off pithy sayings. I have a life hack, too. Want to hear?”

“Do I have a choice?”

“I call it Ashton’s two-minute rule.”

“Ashton, no!” That was Julian.

Unheeded, Ashton continued. “If you see something that needs doing and can be done in under two minutes, do it immediately.” He paused to let the words linger. “I also call it the Ashton Sex Rule.” He threw back his head and laughed.

A baffled Julian rubbed his eyes in the stony silence that followed. What was happening?

When the girls refused to react, Ashton baited them further. “The trouble with Julian and me being friends,” he said, “is that we’re opposites in many ways. Is that the same with you two? I bet it is. For example, Julian thinks he’s all about the funny, while I am way more cool. But to tell you the truth, I’d really like to be both, funny and cool.”

“I teach my kids,” Zakiyyah said, “that it’s always better to be realistic about your limitations.”

“Your poor kids,” said Ashton.

“I, on the other hand, don’t care at all about being cool,” Julian said, springing from the table and gesticulating wildly for the check.

“That’s because Jules can go all day,” Josephine said in a smoky voice. She pulled on his wrist, gazing up at him. “He doesn’t need to be cool.”

“And that’s why,” Ashton said, “Jules is funny.”

“So that was the famous Ashton,” said Zakiyyah, after Ashton—who had insisted on paying—tipped his backwards baseball cap, knocked over a chair, and split.

“He’s all right. No one likes to be put on the spot like that,” Julian said. “We should try again. Do something less stressful.”

“Less stressful than ham sandwiches?”

“We should go to Disneyland,” Julian said. “The four of us.”

Josephine clapped. “Yes, please! That would be fantastic.”

“Never,” said Zakiyyah. “I mean—no, thank you.”

“He wasn’t that bad,” Julian said. “He was trying too hard.”

“That was trying?”

Julian got defensive. “Look, it’s not how he is.”

“We are what we pretend to be,” the grim young woman said, “so we must be careful what we pretend to be.” She glared at Josephine, who took Julian’s hand under the table and did not return Zakiyyah’s scolding gaze.