Ольга Палагина – Stories from Lyubavino. Chronicle of an extraordinary Incident (страница 9)
He, in turn, let out a loud chuckle and was not to be outdone:
“Well, at least
In response, she wrinkled her neat little nose and uttered her signature:
“Pfft…”
And on that note, each chuckling contentedly at their own little jab, they went their separate ways…
I must inform you, ladies and gentlemen, that Nikolai Vladimirovich was distinguished in life by a unique – one might even say, extraordinary – “dexterity.” If the matter at hand was apartment repairs, he would invariably hit his fingers with the hammer. If he was tightening something, he would do so until the threads stripped.
Once, Anna Vasilievna asked him to pack down some cabbage for fermenting into glass jars. Nikolai Vladimirovich, armed with a wooden pounder, set to the task with inspiration. But, as was often the case with him, he set about pounding the unfortunate cabbage with such zeal that the jar simply shattered into smithereens.
Whereupon Anna Vasilievna, barely containing her laughter, remarked:
“Brawn you’ve got, but brains you need not! A regular Popovich!” – thus comparing him to the hero of a famous cartoon.
From that day forth, this nickname stuck to Nikolai Vladimirovich for good.
But his “gracefulness” was not confined to domestic life. Since childhood, he had been plagued by spectacular tumbles, occurring in the most inappropriate places and always with a special comedic flair.
Take, for instance, that incident at the cinema. Tripping on a perfectly flat surface, he went flying into the aisle. His mortal frame, like a ping-pong ball, ricocheted from one row to another until the poor wretch, utterly vanquished by gravity, landed face-down on the floor. His friends and the other spectators who witnessed this ballet of chaos collapsed right beside him – though from hysterical laughter.
But that, as they say, was just the warm-up.
When our hero rose to his feet with the look of a man who had just encountered a train and cast a triumphant gaze over the people writhing with laughter, he even felt somewhat offended. Not only were they guffawing like a herd of horses, but they were also pointing fingers!
With a bewildered and slightly offended air, he left the auditorium and found himself in the lobby, where he attracted new puzzled stares. It turned out that as a result of his epic fall, the top part of his hat had torn off and was now dangling picturesquely to one side. Much like a loose manhole cover, it wobbled in time with his steps.
To this day, his friends still bring up that incident whenever they meet.
And as for the spectacular manner in which he managed to tumble down numerous staircases – that was his favorite pastime! It seemed that for him, gravity existed only as a pesky misunderstanding.
Instead of a mundane descent on his own two feet, he “preferred” a dizzying slalom on his fifth point, striking the most impressive poses along the way. And if he got a chance to ride a zip-line – well, you’d better watch out!
To fall off it with unimaginable somersaults and an expression of cosmic sorrow on his face – that was a matter of personal honor for him. His relationship with vehicles of any kind was, to put it mildly, downright karmic.
All in all, life was never dull for him. And for those close to him – it was especially eventful
His wife, Anna Vasilyevna, was a perfect match for him – a jokester of the highest order and a born humorist. Allow us to recount one significant incident from the very beginning of their life together, so that you may fully appreciate the caliber of this woman who stood by his side all these years…
And so, it happened during their wedding…
Whether from nerves and anxiety, or simply because that was her inherent nature, something unimaginable occurred at the registry office, right in the middle of the marriage ceremony. At the most solemn moment, when she was supposed to slip the ring onto the finger of her blissful groom, Anna Vasilyevna could bear it no longer. She was utterly undone by the impossibly serious expression on her fiancé’s face – and she burst into loud, pealing laughter. She laughed so uproariously that her mirth proved infectious, spreading to everyone present.
First, the groom himself began to chuckle restrainedly. Then, like an epidemic, the laughter leaped to the guests. Soon, even the photographer and the videographer, who until then had been valiantly striving to capture the solemn moment, lost their composure – they, too, were shaking with uncontrollable laughter.
As for Anna Vasilyevna, she was powerless to stop. She was stamping her little heels, clutching her stomach, alternating between squealing and completely uncontrolled, snorting guffaws. It seemed she was about to collapse on the floor, which finished off everyone present – they were now laughing to the point of utter delirium.
Only the registrar, a woman with a face as if carved from granite, stood motionless, like a monument. She observed this madness with the expression of a person whose internal gears had seized up completely. Only occasionally would she snort with displeasure, casting murderous glances at the howling bride.
Anna Vasilyevna began to calm down little by little. The laughter subsided, the guests caught their breath – everyone thought that now, at last, the ceremony would continue. But then a new, mischievous idea suddenly popped into her head. Instead of placing the hapless ring on her husband’s finger, she, before the eyes of the astonished audience… demonstratively popped it into her own mouth!
Seeing her husband’s eyes widen sharply and his jaw drop with precipitous speed, her brain received such a powerful surge of emotion that she snorted with laughter with renewed vigor… But then something unforeseen happened, and it was her own eyes that became wide and oval…
The ring, which she had intended to hold under her tongue for a moment as a prank, accidentally slipped down her throat on an inhale and blocked her airway. She convulsively grabbed her throat, tried to cough, but to no avail. Anna Vasilyevna was inevitably beginning to choke. Panic was mounting in her eyes.
Fortunately for the newlyweds, one of the guests was well-versed in such matters and, swiftly positioning himself behind her, expertly performed the life-saving Heimlich maneuver. The bride gave a cough, and the ring flew out of her throat, landing squarely and neatly… right on the groom’s forehead! The poor fellow stood frozen, with a golden “adornment” on his brow and an expression of cosmic horror in his eyes.
And so began their tumultuous family life. And we must duly note, our kind reader, that Anna Vasilyevna would sometimes feel profoundly ashamed of the stunts she occasionally pulled. But, after suffering only briefly from pangs of conscience, she would admit to herself, deep down: she wanted to shut her eyes tight and… go and do something like that all over again…
And so now you, dear reader, have at least a small, but more or less clear, idea of his dear wife, Anna Vasilyevna.
As for Nikolai Vladimirovich, he decided not to bother the glazier any further today. He was counting on a new, beautiful tomorrow and sincerely hoped that he would definitely resolve this matter with the glass then. Or so he naively assumed…
But let us not get ahead of ourselves for now. We shall temporarily set aside the tale of the unfortunate Nikolai Vladimirovich and his wayward pane of glass – and move on to the next story. So that everything is in order. In the chronological sense, of course…
Chapter VII Vasily, the Prosecutor, and the Logs
In a local electrical goods store, nestled in the very heart of a cozy urban-type settlement with the alluring name of Lyubavino, at the beginning of June, as was the custom there year after year, some young lads were hired for temporary work to assist the more experienced staff. Among them was one particularly special young man named Vasily. And it is about him that our story today will be told…
To put it plainly, Vasily was a rather extraordinary individual. It seemed that Nature had decided to take a break while crafting his appearance, and was apparently in a deep faint altogether while working on the neural connections inside his cranium. But later, it appears, she magnanimously compensated for her oversights by endowing Vasily with a generous portion of sheer nonchalance. Lanky, of not very robust health, and devoid of any interests common to almost all young men his age, he was somewhat of an enigma to those around him.
Since childhood, he had disliked his own name and had protested for a long time, demanding that his parents immediately replace it with something more attractive, in his opinion – like Arnold, Harry, Legolas, or something along those lines.
To which he was told, in a polite manner, to stop engaging in such nonsense. After all, he already bore a wonderful name, and one with deep meaning at that – named after his marvelous grandfather! And that in itself was a great honor. So he ought to be fully proud of it! And that was that; the name issue was conclusively closed.