Ирина Немчинова – Dana's Phoenix. ArtHouse (страница 2)

Nicholas just smiled slyly: Everything is fine, Dana. You’ll find out soon enough.

Dana: Does my palm say so? I feel like I’ve got something written on my forehead.

It is not clear to the girl why she is holding hands with a stranger. This moment seemed so strange that she decided to joke. She believed her words seriously, so she even looked at her forehead in the reflection of the window opposite. But she didn’t consider anything. But Nicholas was looking at her palm.

Nicholas: Dana, you’re running away from your emptyness and looking for something that’s going to fill it. But there is no emptiness. It’s a mask that hides a specific pain. Fear is behind it. You got on the right train and into the right wagon.

Dana: Is that wagon right for me?

Nicholas: You need the last one. And we’re already standing at the exit to it.

Dana paused in her thought. She wanted to pull her hand back, but instead she grabbed Nicholas even tighter. Feelings was beating like a fountain. She felt fear, mystery and hopelessness. She looked into the man’s confident eyes. Maybe he was tricky because he was talking riddles or maybe it was as a move in communication with girls. But the power of his gaze sprayed dubious thoughts in her head again. It seemed that she had no choice but to trust him.

Dana: Okay. The girl spoke one word quietly and dropped her eyes down, as if she was not ready to look into the face of the unknown. She turned at the door with a strong intention to go forward first.

Nicholas opened the door and followed Dana. A loud male laughter can be heard. Dana turned back, but it wasn’t Nicholas. The sound came from the last wagon. It’s become a little easier on her soul. They’re laughing, not crying. And the voice was pleasant. She even liked that laughter. Dana began to walk to the front door boldly. She liked this male bassist laughter, it was like a magnet. She opened the door inspiratedly.

The first thing she saw was nothing. She couldn’t hear the laughter. It was dark in the wagon. She could see the frames of the windows. It seems that even the wagon is completely empty without any chairs and shelves. She turned back, but Nicholas wasn’t there either. She could see some little pink point in the distance. There was a bass voice. «Come on, let’s go. Shut the door behind you.

Dana listened silently. A loud voice was heard again. It seemed so cheerful no longer, but rather calm and indifferentcive.

– Go ahead. Closer.

The girl had no choice but to go to the call of the voice. It seemed that he was whispering with each her step, «Bolder, bolder.» Dana was looking for something to grasp. But she couldn’t find anything. She just put her hands forward and waiting for something to stumble. The pink point was seen more and more clearly. There was some strange smell. Something scorched. It looks like dry grass, maybe with some kinds of flowers. She came closer slowly and stumble a warm big hand, which touched her shoulder. The bassist’s voice was a little laughing and she heard «Stop.» A stranger seemed to be standing in front of her at the end of the wagon. She found out that the pink point was the fire from his cigarette.

She couldn’t see anything, just silhouettes. The cigarette seemed to be squeezed by his lips. Dana felled that the man was trying to consider her. She wanted to know who was in front of her. Laughter broke out an air after a few minutes of silence. It was that one that was in the hallway. Sounds loud for her ears:

– Ahha, it’s hard for you to see me because of my dark skin. And you’re beautiful. But only outside, because you are ugly inside. Want a cigarette?

Goosebumps ran through the skin. But it was not out of fear, the girl understood, but because he was right. Then she agreed to take a cigarette. She just whispered, «I want to.» He removed his hand from her shoulder and fire the light. The face of the man became visible for a moment. It was a maimed face. Dark, covered with scars and black spots. The lights faded. The edge of the cigarette touched her lips. It looks like her mouth has unwittingly opened up in surprise. She squeezed cigarettea stronger, but did not smoke it immediately. There was one phrase in her head that was whispered:

– Ugly outside, but what is inside?

She was smoking while she said that. It was even something pleasant. She just pinched the cigarette with two fingers and began to slowly taste it. The saliva became sweet, the mouth became tender. It was a strange feeling.

Darkness only disturbed Dana. Her bright face could be seen as a silhouette. The man watched her every modest and shy action. He took a puff and answered the question in one word:

– Empty.

They continued to stand side by side, watching the pink smoldering points of their cigarettes only.

Dana: I’m empty now, too. What’s my ugliness then?

Man: My emptiness is in freedom, but yours hides the pain. That pain hid love from you.

He pronounced word after word slowly and confidently, so it seemed that the man was indifferent. But now it becomes clear that he is calm. It’s some kind of harmony. He continued to ask questions in the same tone, bringing Dana out of a state of doubt:

– Find a place where love is hidden. What does it look like?

Dana thought a little and whispered again:

– I don’t know.

Man: Love is always with us. We hide it and we open it.

Dana was illuminated by these words and said:

– I think that the place inside me is as dark as here. And my love can be seen with a small pink point, which can neither illuminate this darkness, nor dispel it, nor break through it.

Man: I love being in the dark. You are left alone with your fears in it. When you merge with the darkness, you feel empty. Because there are no fears. That’s how I become free. That’s how the pain goes.

Dana: Sounds so simple. If you could just be free.

The bassist’s laughter was heard again. But now it even makes fun of the girl. It was such a chest’s laughter that charged positive. It was interestingly that each time he broke off his laughter abruptly he became unflappable. It was looked like an actor’s playing. Dane liked it and even attracted it. Each time the tone of indifference became more clear and more pleasant, as it seemed to her. There was something familiar in it.

The pink point in front of the girl moved smoothly downwards. The man picked up a cigarette and talk again:

– The past should be left completely. Any attempt to forget, to change and to run away is a genuine desire to bring it back. But there is no any past, it cannot be so. Otherwise, the natural course of events will be disrupted. The past has no place in the future. It’s not real. And the more you reach for it, the more it slips away. Even if you can get him back a little bit. Remember, that’s not true. This illusion is doomed to failure. Something that must die – will die anyway.

Dana exhales smoke:

– So, the only way out is death?

Man: Yes. And now you’re dying.

Dana expected to hear again the rolling laughter, still hoping it was a joke. After that, she wanted to laugh, but her mouth was pulled. It was so tart and dry inside her throat. She feelt weaker and weaker with each exhalation. It was as if it was not the air and smoke coming out of her lungs, but life in itself. The head became heavy and the body was weightless. Her legs were coughing up. Massive hands picked her up and helped her to lie on the floor. She also saw a pink glowing point in front of her. The stranger froze over her and watched silently. It was getting really dark in her eyes.

Part 2

Uuuuu, aaaaaaa, oooooooooohhhhh.

The vibrating voice was heard nearby. It was like someone was buzzing in her ear. Dana was lying on the grass. Her friend Matthew lied right next to her and apparently was waiting for her to woke up. He was a blond, tall guy. He was as young as Dana was. He didn’t like the big companies of people too. It seemed that they had found each other so they weren’t alone at all. He was someone to talk with.

Dana touched her face to see if she was wearing glasses. Yellow glasses. She had a strange feature. Her eyes weren’t addicted to bright and white lights. There were even tears of it. Most likely, this deviation of vision appeared during school, when it was necessary to write a lot with poor lighting. At least that was what the doctors thought. The girl herself believed that it was psychosomatics. The sun was beyond the horizon. The girl lied on the grass under a hammock. There was a blanket next to her. And her friend, in his own.

Dana: Matthew, I see you lied well.

The girl could be herself only with him. Sometimes they joked with sarcasm. Both of them call their humor experimental. The guy did not think long:

– Yes, I noticed how you were relaxing on the lawn. Are you decided to sleep under the stars or meet the dawn?

Dana: I need to think about it. The condition is like I am still sleeping. What did you do? Well, did you hum there something?

Matthew: I am pretending to be a shaman. I’m Joking. I’m in anticipation. Maybe we’ll meet a real shaman today. It feels like we should visiting there today.