Ellie Darkins – Newborn on Her Doorstep (страница 7)

‘It’s good we’ve got a chance to sit down and talk,’ he said as he carried their coffees over to the kitchen island. ‘I wanted to apologise for the other day. The...the kiss. And the way I left things. I know I was a bit abrupt.’

‘It’s fine—’ Lily started, but he held up a hand to stop her.

The memory of the confusion on her face had been haunting him, and he knew that if they were to live together, even if it was only temporarily, he had to make sure she knew exactly why that kiss had been such a mistake. Why she shouldn’t hope for or expect another.

They had only known each other for a few days, but after that parting shot at the hospital he wouldn’t be able to blame her if she’d misinterpreted things—if she’d read more into that kiss than he’d ever wanted to give. She deserved better than that...better than a man with his limitations. And with Rosie in her life she was going to have to demand more. Demand someone who would support her family life whatever happened. He’d already been tested on that front and found wanting. It was only fair that Lily knew where they both stood.

‘Please,’ he continued, ‘I want to explain.’

A line appeared between her brows, as if she had suddenly realised that this was a conversation neither of them would enjoy. The suggestion that she was hurt pained him physically, but he forced himself to continue—for both their sakes.

‘There’s no need to explain anything, but I’ll listen if you want me to.’

She glanced over at the counter, her edginess showing in the way she was fidgeting with her coffee cup. The anxious expression on her face told him so much. She’d guessed something of his history. Guessed, at least, how hard it was for him to be around Rosie. Had she seen how impossible it would be for them even to be friends?

Not that friends would ever have really worked, he mused, when the sight of her running a hand through her hair made him desperate to reach across and see if it felt as silky as it looked. When he’d lain awake every night since they’d last met remembering the feel of her lips under his, imagining the softness of her skin and the suppleness of her body.

He kept his eyes on Lily, never dropping them to the little girl in her arms, not risking the pain that would assault him if he even glanced at Rosie or acknowledged that she was there. The way Lily looked at him, her clear blue gaze, gave him no room to lie or evade. He knew that faced with that open, honest look he’d be able to speak nothing but the truth.

‘There’s something I need to tell you...’ he started.

His voice held the hint of a croak, and he felt the cold climbing his chest, wondered how on earth he was meant to get these words out. How he was meant to relive the darkest days of his life with this woman who a week ago had been a stranger.

‘I know there’s something between us—at least I know that I’ve started to feel something for you. But I need you to know that I won’t act again on what I feel.’

He kept his voice deliberately flat, forcing the emotion from it as he’d had to do when faced with people living and working in inhuman conditions. And he looked down at the table, unable to bear her sympathetic scrutiny. Or what if he had read this wrong—what if there was nothing between them at all? What if he’d imagined the chemistry that kept drawing them together even as it hurt him? It wasn’t as if he’d even given her a chance to return his kiss. He risked a glance up at her. Her lip was caught between her teeth and the line had reappeared on her forehead. But he wasn’t sure what he was seeing on her face. Not clear disappointment. Definitely not surprise.

‘It’s fine, Nic. You don’t need to say any more.’

‘I do.’

He wanted her to know, wanted to acknowledge his feelings even if just this once. Wanted her to understand that it was nothing about her that was holding him back. And he wanted her to understand him in a way that he’d never wanted before. He’d never opened up and talked about what had happened. But now he had been faced with the consequences of the choices he’d made so many years ago he wanted to acknowledge what he had felt, what he felt now.

‘I want to explain. For you to understand. Look, it’s not you, Lily.’ He cringed when he heard for himself how clichéd that sounded. ‘It’s...it’s Rosie. It’s the way that you look at her. I won’t ever have children, Lily. And I know that I cannot be in a relationship—any relationship—because of that.’

‘Nic, we barely know each other. Don’t you think that you’re being—?’

He was thinking too far ahead. Of course he was. But if he didn’t put an end to this now he wasn’t sure how or if he ever could. What he had to say needed to be said out loud. He needed to hear it to make sure that he could never go back, never find himself getting closer to Lily and unable to get away.

‘Maybe. Maybe I’m jumping to a million different conclusions here, and maybe I’ve got this all wrong. But the thing is, Lily, I’m never going to want to have children. Ever. And I don’t think it would be right for me to leave you in any doubt about that, given your current situation.’

He allowed himself a quick look down at Rosie, and the painful clench of his heart at the sight of her round cheeks and intense concentration reminded him that he was doing the right thing. It was easier to say that it was because of the baby. Of course that was a big part of it. But there was more—there were things that he couldn’t say. Things that he had been ashamed of for so long that he wasn’t sure he could even bear to think of them properly, never mind share them with someone else.

‘Well, thanks for telling me.’

She was fiddling with her coffee cup again, stirring it rapidly, sloshing some of the rich dark liquid over the side. He’d offended her—and what else did he expect, just telling half the story? All he’d basically done so far was break up with a woman he wasn’t even dating.

‘Lily, I’m sorry I’m not making much sense. It’s just hard for me to talk about... The reason I don’t want children... I was a father once. I lost my son, and it broke my heart, and I know that I can never put myself at risk of going through that again.’

And if she was going to take this gamble, raise her sister’s child with no idea of what the future held, then she needed someone in her life she could rely on. Someone who would support her with whatever she needed. Who wouldn’t let her down. He hadn’t been able to do that when Max had died, hadn’t been the man his partner had needed, and he’d lost his girlfriend as well as his son.

A hush fell between them and Nic realised he had raised his voice until it was almost a shout. Lily dropped the bottle and Rosie gave a mew of discontent. But Nic’s eyes were all on Lily, watching her face as she realised what he had said, as the significance of his words sank in.

She reached out and touched his hand. He should have flinched away. It was the reason he had told her everything, after all. But he couldn’t. He turned his hand and grabbed hold of hers, anchoring himself to the present, saving himself from drowning in memories.

Now that he had told her, surely the danger was over. Now she would be as wary of these feelings as he was. He just wanted to finish this conversation—make sure that she knew that this wasn’t personal, it wasn’t about her. If Rosie had never turned up...if he’d never had a son... But there was no point thinking that way. No point in what-ifs and maybes.

* * *

‘Nic, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say, but I’d like to hear more about your son. If you want to talk about it.’

He breathed out a long sigh, his forehead pressed into the heels of his hands, but then he looked up to meet her gaze and she could see the pain, the loss, the confusion in his eyes.

‘It won’t change anything.’

She reached for his hand again, offering comfort, nothing more—however much she might want to.

‘I know, but if you want to talk then I’d like to listen.’

He stared at the counter a little longer, until eventually, with a slight shake of his head, he started to speak.

‘I was nineteen and naïve when I met this girl—Clare—at a university party. We hit it off, and soon we were living in each other’s pockets, spending all our time together. We were both in our first year, neither of us thinking about the future. We were having fun, and I thought I was falling in love with her.’

Lily was shocked at the strength of her jealousy over something that had happened a decade ago, and fought down the hint of nausea that his tale had provoked.

‘Well, we were young and silly and in love, and we took risks that we shouldn’t have.’

It didn’t take a genius to see where this was going but, knowing that the story had a tragic end, Lily felt a pall of dread as she waited for Nic’s next words.

‘When Clare told me she was pregnant I was shocked. I mean, a few months beforehand we’d been living with our parents, and now we were going to be parents ourselves... But as the shock wore off we got more and more excited—’

His voice finally broke, and Lily couldn’t help squeezing his hand. There was nothing sexual in it. Nothing romantic. All she wanted was to offer comfort, hope.