Эллен Фейн – The Rules for Marriage (страница 2)

‘When we were dating, we did interesting things all the time. Now that we’re married, his idea of fun is sitting on the sofa, eating crisps and watching telly.’

‘I want children now. He wants to wait a few years.’

‘His ex-wife still calls every once in a while and sends him birthday cards. When will this stop?’

‘He’d rather sit at the computer than have sex.’

‘I love him, but not his parents.’

‘I resent the fact that I make more money than him.’

These are problems many of our readers have shared with us, so we’ve done a great deal of research on how to solve them – in some cases, by avoiding them in the first place. The Rules for Marriage gives you answers to these problems and more.

When we wrote The Rules in 1995, we studied what worked and what didn’t in dating. We noticed that women who acted ‘hard to get’ got their man, while women who were too available or eager got hurt. We compiled 35 rules that helped women to be more of a challenge to men, such as ‘Don’t talk to a man first’ and ‘End the date first.’ As difficult as these rules were to do, they only had to be followed strictly for the first three or four months of a relationship. In many cases it was best to do them until the man proposed – after that time, once he was committed to you and the relationship, you didn’t have to carry on with them.

Marriage, on the other hand, is long term. So The Rules for Marriage, while certainly not as strict as The Rules for dating, must be a way of life. The Rules for dating are like a short-term diet – just as you skip dessert for a few months so you can fit into your swimming costume for the summer, we advised you to act mysterious and not have sex with Mr Right for a few months to make him fall in love with you. The Rules for Marriage, however, are like a life-long maintenance plan. Anybody can lose a stone, but how many keep it off? Lots of women know how to catch a man, but how many stay happily married?

So our focus here is not on getting a man, but keeping him. This means doing what it takes to make him happy. This can be as basic as making him feel important, being considerate, a team player, and it can also mean doing a bit extra – making a conscious effort not to nag, for example, or taking the time to be supportive of his ideas. All of this requires work.

Unfortunately, and whether you accept it or not, most or all of the emotional work in a marriage must be done by you. It is not mutual. Proof: you are reading this book, not your husband. He is probably reading a thriller or a book about making more money on the stock market. We are not generalizing. This is the way it is. In fact, your husband may not even like the fact that you are reading this book or talking to your friends or your mother about your marital problems. Like most men, he does not like to talk to ‘outsiders’ about his private life and believes that you should be able to solve your problems yourself or with him. So we don’t recommend discussing this book with your husband, or asking him to read it. Even if he agrees with most or all of our advice, he doesn’t like to think that you have to read a book to learn how to deal with him.

Maybe your husband is different. Maybe you have one of those rare husbands who reads relationship books and puts a lot of thought into keeping your relationship strong. We salute you – and him – but most women don’t have that kind of husband. We are writing here for most women.

The fact is, to be happily married, women sometimes need to treat their husband like a business client or customer whom they want to keep happy (i.e. let him be right etc.).

You’re probably thinking, ‘Why can’t it be equal?’ ‘Why can’t he do all the things you’re suggesting, like “Don’t say the first cross word” or “Make up first?’”

Our answer is because that’s the way it is. Men and women are different. They’re different when they’re dating – man must be the pursuer – and they’re different when they’re married – the woman must do most of the emotional work in a relationship. We didn’t make this up – we would love to give different advice, but these ideas are based on human nature and, like it or not, they work.

So don’t count on your husband doing his ‘part’; he may or may not. But he will respond in kind if you do yours. He will be happy and will want to stay with you for ever.

So here are The Rules for Marriage. You will find some rules harder than others, you won’t be perfect and you will make mistakes. The important thing is to make a beginning and keep trying. In no time, you will want to do The Rules for Marriage for no other reason than because they really work!

Good luck!

Ellen and Sherrie

Rule 1

Relax during the Engagement and Wedding

Ideally, The Rules for Marriage begin before your wedding day. We believe once you get engaged, a wedding date should be set – no endless engagements. When a man proposes, it should be with a ring and a wedding date within one year, no longer, unless you are young (under 25 years old), in which case a two-year engagement is fine. If your fiancé is stalling on a wedding date, you may have to give him back the ring and move on.

Assuming you have a ring and a wedding date, what are the rules for the engagement period and wedding?

Every month we receive calls, letters and e-mails saying, ‘Thanks. I’m so happy!’ But we also get letters like this one: ‘Now that I’m engaged, we’re arguing all the time. I feel him pulling back. I’m acting needy. What should I do?’ Or like this one: ‘How often should I see him now that I’m engaged? Do I stick to the three-day-a-week rule and 10-minute phone calls?’

These concerns are fairly common. The dynamics of a relationship can change dramatically when you go from dating to being engaged and planning a wedding. It is tempting to change your behaviour – to call him all the time, to lose interest in yourself, your work, your friends and just about everything else – because, after all, you are practically married. All of a sudden, you think The Rules are over.

This is a mistake. A man may get overwhelmed if he suddenly sees and/or hears from you morning, noon and night. It’s not like he’s going to break the engagement, but he starts to miss his freedom and wants space (going out with his mates, working late etc.) and then you get hurt.

If you continue to do The Rules, this will not happen. We don’t recommend living together, as we said in The Rules, but if you are and you are planning the wedding together, continue to be ‘a creature unlike any other’ (confident, easy-going), remain focused on making your life full and meaningful, and try not to nag him about the wedding plans or anything else.

However, the initial rigid rules of catching a husband no longer apply. He’s already pursued you, told you he loves you and wants to marry you. You’re a couple now, so you can relax in the knowledge that you don’t need to stick to the original ‘Don’t see him more than three times a week or talk for more than 10 minutes on the phone’ rules. You will be seeing him more often since you are planning the wedding and your future, or even living together. Obviously, you will need to speak to him to discuss things. Now comes the tough part… It’s how you conduct yourself – you’re calm, fun, pleasant, you still have your own life, you’re not suddenly demanding or clingy – that will make all the difference between a happy engagement and a stressful one. He enjoys simply being with you. You don’t have to be a constant challenge. You can call him at work more often than when you were dating. Just try to make sure the calls are quick and to the point – e.g. ‘Hi love, the flowers are in, my fitting is Tuesday, talk to you later, love you …’ – not an excuse to speak to him or to have marathon discussions.

Now, about the wedding.

Most women can get pretty hysterical while planning their wedding – there are so many details to worry about, so much pressure for it to go smoothly, so many opinions from family, friends and relatives. Try to keep your sanity. If you act like a diva or a perfectionist, you will make everyone around you crazy, including your fiancé. Relax! This is a good time to go inward, to not let Hollywood images of a perfect wedding distract you from the meaning of it all. You will soon be marrying the man of your dreams. Try to remember that the wedding is just one day of your life, not a motion-picture production. So what if the flowers are more lilac than pink? So what if the photographer you really wanted is booked and you have to go with your second (or third) choice? Are you going to let this ruin your big day?

We all know women who made themselves nervous wrecks over their wedding plans and hardly even enjoyed their big day. Of course, they all regretted it. Don’t let this happen to you. Don’t let family and friends make you crazy about the seating arrangements. Don’t lose sleep worrying if the buffet is big enough, if guests are going to starve or complain about the food. Nobody’s ever starved at a wedding, and what people think of the buffet is not that important. There will always be critics who think that there could have been more hot dishes or that the band was too loud. Do the best you can. You can’t please everyone. This is a valuable lesson to learn as you plan the wedding, and it will come in handy when you are married, too. Do your best and then let it go! Make yourself happy.