Джули Кагава – Soldier (страница 12)

“Unlike Griffin,” Wes muttered.

Riley sighed. “Dammit, Griffin,” he growled, dropping onto the bed. “He was a traitorous greedy bastard, but I knew him. I’ve known him for years. Or I thought I did.” He rubbed his eyes. “Fucking Talon. No one deserves to go like that.”

My stomach curled, and I dug my nails into my palms. “I’m...gonna go pack,” I said, backing toward the exit. Riley looked up at me in concern.

“You okay, Firebrand?”

“Yeah.” I nodded and forced a grin. “I’m fine. Be right back—it won’t take long.”

I slipped through the door, feeling Riley’s worried gaze on my back, and crossed the hall to my own room.

As the door clicked shut behind me, I began to shake. Not bothering with the lamps, I walked to the bathroom and flipped the switch, meeting my gaze in the mirror.

My insides heaved. My cheeks and forehead were covered in dried red spatters—Griffin’s blood. I remembered the human, smug and confident, talking to me across the table. Alive and perfectly fine one second, lying facedown in a pool of his own blood the next.

With shaking hands, I wrenched the faucet to hot, then began scrubbing the sticky dark mist from my face and hands. The water in the basin ran red for a while, then became clear. But no matter how hard I scraped, I could still feel his blood on me, and my movements became harder and faster as my anger grew. Faces filtered through my mind; Griffin, Faith, Dante, Garret. All gone. All taken away, either by Talon, St. George, or the war itself.

No, I thought, as my thoughts settled on one face in particular. The one that had been plaguing me ever since he left. That’s not entirely true. You drove him away. Don’t blame Talon or St. George. He’s not here now, because of you.

With an inner roar, I raised my fist and drove it into the face of the girl in the mirror. She fractured, shattering into pieces, dozens of accusing green eyes glaring at me over the sink. Gone, I thought in despair. They’re all gone. Garret, Dante, almost everyone I care about. How many more will I lose? How many more will I watch die right in front of me?

“Hey! Ember, stop.”

Strong hands closed around my wrists, pulling me away from the sink and out of the bathroom. My dragon snarled and surged up, ready to turn her rage and grief on something else, but Riley’s piercing gold eyes halted her.

“Stop,” he said again, his voice softer. “Firebrand, breathe. It’s just me.” I sucked in a deep breath, feeling the dragon subside, and Riley relaxed. “What happened?”

“I...don’t know. I just...” Biting my lip, I looked down at my hands and saw blood starting to well from my knuckles. Riley looked down, too, and grimaced.

“Come here,” he sighed, gently pulling me to the bed. “Sit.” I sat, and he retrieved the small first-aid kit I always carried in my bag now. I watched him drag up a stool and take my hand, then dab away the blood. I waited for the exasperation, for the questions as to why I had punched the mirror into oblivion, but he didn’t say anything.

“There,” he said, tying the last of the gauze around my hand. “That’s done. Try not to punch any more mirrors, Firebrand. You’ll jinx my luck.” His voice was light, but his eyes were still dark with concern. I slipped off the bed, flexing my fingers to test the range of motion.

“Thanks,” I said, forcing a smile. “I...uh...guess you wouldn’t believe me if I said there was this really big roach on the mirror, and I didn’t have a shoe handy—”

“Ember.” His voice was quiet, making my stomach dance. I looked back to find him gazing at me, all amusement gone from his face. “Why didn’t you tell me you haven’t been sleeping? You didn’t think I would want to know about that?”

I swallowed. “They’re just stupid nightmares,” I said, making him frown. “It’s not important. I’m fine, Riley. I can handle it.”

Swiftly, Riley rose, grabbed my wrist and held it up, watching me over the bandages. “This is not handling it, Firebrand,” he said firmly. “This is the opposite of fine.” Scowling, I pulled my arm back, and he narrowed his eyes. “Something is bothering you, and it’s been affecting you for a while. I want to know what. You’re exhausted and on edge, and if you keep going like this you’re going to explode. You nearly lost it with Griffin today, don’t think I didn’t notice.” When I didn’t answer, his brow furrowed. “Talk to me, Ember,” he urged. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“Nothing.”

I turned away, and he growled. “Dammit, Firebrand. Wait.” Fingers took my arm, strong and cool against my skin, and something inside me finally snapped.

I didn’t remember Shifting. Didn’t remember making that decision. But suddenly, I was in dragon form, my wings brushing the sides of the wall, and Riley was pressed against the bed, eyes wide as he stared at me. The hotel room abruptly felt tiny and cramped; my tail uncoiled, thumping the desk, and my talons dug into the cheap carpet as I leaned forward, crowding Riley and making him sit down on the mattress. Lowering my head, I gave a low, throaty growl that was both an invitation and a challenge, and Riley squeezed his eyes shut.

“Ember.” His voice was a rasp, and I saw a tremor go through him as he tried to keep the dragon down. His jaw was clenched, making it difficult to get out the words. “This...is not the time, or the place. Change back.”

I lashed my tail and snorted a curl of smoke in his face. I didn’t want to Shift back; I wanted Cobalt to come out. I knew he wanted to. I could feel it in the human’s ragged breathing, the way his hands clenched in the blankets. The past few weeks had been a mire of chaos and nightmare and emotion, but for once, my thoughts were clear. “Why?” I demanded, hoping the defiance would be enough to force Cobalt into the open. It wasn’t, and I bared my fangs at him.

I was tired of the confusion. Tired of the fear and the nightmares, the guilt eating me from within. I didn’t want to think, or feel. Being a dragon was so much simpler. I knew exactly what I wanted; I just had to get the human below me to go away. “You once told me you weren’t holding back anymore,” I reminded him, half opening my wings to drape him in my shadow. “What’s stopping you? Or was that just a lie?”

“I know...what I said. And no, it wasn’t a lie. But...” Opening his eyes, Riley gave me a look that was both hungry and pleading at the same time. “Not here, Firebrand,” he choked out. “Get ahold of yourself. We’re in the middle of a city. We can’t be seen like this.” He took a deep breath, as if strengthening his resolve. “Ember, I... You know I want to. But, this is not the time. You have to Shift back.” I curled a lip, and another shiver went through him as his voice became strangled. “Now.”

Anger flared. Baring my teeth, I snarled in his face, whirled and willed myself back into human form. The black Viper suit became visible, covering me from neck to ankles as I shrank down, but the remains of my jeans and shirt lay shredded at the foot of the bed. For a second, I was sorry I was wearing the suit; if I hadn’t been, being naked would’ve been a good excuse not to Shift back.

I rubbed my eyes, not looking at Riley, as hurt and anger still simmered in my chest. I didn’t know if it was the dragon’s frustration or my own tangle of feelings, but I suddenly felt very alone.

I heard him shift off the mattress and take a hesitant step toward me, his voice low. “Ember...”

I stiffened. “Sorry about that,” I said in a flat voice, and headed toward the bathroom. Where I could close the door on rogue dragons and not have to face him for a few minutes. Where he wouldn’t see me fall apart. “I’m tired,” I muttered, swiping a hand across my eyes. “It won’t happen again.”

“Wait.” Riley hurried forward, coming around to face me. “Hold on a second, will you?” I stopped as he barred the way to the bathroom, the look on his face frustrated, as well. “Look, I know things have been crazy. I know with all the running around, we’ve barely had a chance to breathe. But I haven’t forgotten about...us, all right?”

Hope flickered inside, though the dragon snarled, unappeased. “You’ve been busy,” I said, shrugging. “I get it.”

“That’s not it, Firebrand. Dammit, how do I say this?” He sighed, raking a hand through his hair. “It’s not that I don’t see you, it’s just... I’m not good at...human stuff, Ember. I’ve been on my own a long time, dealing with dragons and hatchlings and Vipers—and Wes isn’t what you’d call warm and cuddly. I don’t mean to ignore you, but whenever we’re close all I can think of is Shifting into my real form, and we can’t do that in a car, or a hotel room, or anywhere people could see us. And all those human things—hugging, touching, kissing, whatever...it doesn’t come natural to me. I’m not the soldier, Firebrand. I’m a dragon.” He gave a short, frustrated laugh and made a hopeless gesture. “It’s just not in my makeup.”

“Yeah,” I muttered, looking down. “I know.” It didn’t make me feel much better, knowing we would have to be completely alone and isolated for Cobalt to appear. Being around humans had spoiled me, I supposed. Dragons weren’t supposed to love. I couldn’t expect Riley to act like Garret.