Дуглас Адамс – The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy / Руководство для путешествующих автостопом по Галактике (страница 2)
Arthur Dent had never, ever suspected this.
This friend had first arrived on the planet about fifteen Earth years before, and he had worked hard to join the Earth society – with, it must be said, some success. For example, he had spent those fifteen years pretending to be an out-of-work actor, which was true enough.
He had made one mistake though. He had chosen the name “Ford Prefect[16]” for himself, thinking it was totally ordinary.
He was neither tall nor dark or handsome[17]. His hair was ginger. There was something a bit strange about him, but it was difficult to say what it was. Maybe it was that his eyes didn’t blink often enough. Or maybe it was that he smiled a bit too much.
Most of the friends he had made on Earth thought he was eccentric but harmless – a boozer with some unusual habits. For example, he would often join university parties, get badly drunk and start making fun of any astrophysicist he could find till they threw him out.
Sometimes he would get into a strange mood and stare into the sky, hypnotized, until someone asked him what he was doing.
Then he would relax and smile. “Oh, just looking for flying saucers[18],” he would joke and everyone would laugh and ask him what kind of flying saucers he was looking for.
“Green ones!” he would reply with a grin, laugh wildly for a moment and then suddenly run to the nearest bar and buy a round of drinks[19].
Evenings like this usually ended badly. Ford would get drunk on whisky. Then, walking down the night streets, he would often ask passing policemen if they knew the way to Betelgeuse. The policemen would usually say something like, “Don’t you think it’s time you went home, sir?”
“I’m trying to, I’m trying to,” was what Ford usually replied.
In fact what he was really looking for when he stared into the night sky was any kind of flying saucer at all. The reason he said
Ford Prefect hoped to see any flying saucer at all because fifteen years was a long time to spend anywhere, especially somewhere as dull as the Earth. Ford wished he would see a flying saucer soon because he knew how to flag them down[20] and get a lift from them. He knew how to see the Marvels of the Universe for less than thirty Altairan[21] dollars a day.
In fact, Ford Prefect was a researcher for that remarkable book
Human beings[22] adapt very well, and by lunchtime life around Arthur’s house had turned into a routine. It was Arthur’s role to lie in the mud, sometimes asking for his lawyer, his mother, or a good book. It was Mr. Prosser’s role to give Arthur yet another
The Earth moved slowly in its course, and the sun was beginning to dry the mud Arthur lay in.
A shadow moved across him.
“Hello, Arthur,” said the shadow.
Arthur looked up and was surprised to see Ford Prefect standing above him.
“Ford! Hello, how are you?”
“Fine,” said Ford, “look, are you busy?”
“Am I busy?” exclaimed Arthur. “Well, I’ve just got all these bulldozers and other things to lie in front of because they’ll demolish my house if I don’t, but other than that… well, no, not especially, why?”
They don’t have sarcasm on Betelgeuse, and Ford Prefect often failed to notice it.
He said, “Good, is there anywhere we can talk?”
“What?” said Arthur Dent.
For a few seconds Ford seemed to ignore him, and stared into the sky. Then suddenly he sat down beside Arthur.
“We’ve got to talk,” he said.
“Fine,” said Arthur, “talk.”
“And drink,” said Ford. “It’s very important that we talk and drink. Now. We’ll go to the pub in the village.” He looked into the sky again, nervously.
“Look, don’t you understand?” shouted Arthur. He pointed at Prosser. “That man wants to demolish my house!”
Ford looked at him, puzzled. “Well, he can do it while you’re away, can’t he?” he asked.
“But I don’t want him to!”
“Ah.”
“Look, what’s the matter with you, Ford?” said Arthur.
“Nothing. Nothing’s the matter. Listen to me – I’ve got to tell you the most important thing you’ve ever heard. I’ve got to tell you now, and I’ve got to tell you this in the pub.”
“But why?”
“Because you are going to need a very strong drink.”
Ford stared at Arthur, and Arthur suddenly felt that his will was weakening.
He didn’t know that this was because of an old drinking game that Ford learned to play in the hyperspace[23] ports of the star system of Orion Beta. The game was played like this: two contestants would sit at a table, with a glass in front of each of them. Between them would be placed a bottle of Janx Spirit[24]. Each contestant would then concentrate their will on the bottle and try to pour spirit into the glass of his opponent – who would then have to drink it. The bottle would then be refilled. The game would be played again. And again. If you started to lose, you would probably keep losing, because one of the effects of Janx Spirit is to block telepsychic power[25]. Ford Prefect usually played to lose.
Ford stared at Arthur, who began to think that maybe he really wanted to go to the Horse and Groom pub after all.
“But what about my house..?” he asked.
Ford glanced at Mr. Prosser, and suddenly had an idea.
“He wants to knock your house down?”
“Yes, he wants to build…”
“And he can’t because you’re lying in front of the bulldozers?”
“Yes, and…”
“I’m sure we can do something about it,” said Ford. “Excuse me!” he shouted.
Mr. Prosser (who was arguing with the bulldozer drivers’ representative about whether or not Arthur Dent was a mental health hazard[26], and how much they’d get paid if he was) looked around. He was surprised and a bit worried to see that Arthur had company.
“Yes? Hello?” he called. “Has Mr. Dent changed his mind[27] yet?”
“Can we for the moment,” called Ford, “assume that he hasn’t?”
“Well?” asked Mr. Prosser.
“And can we also assume,” said Ford, “that he’s going to be staying here all day?”
“So?”
“So all your men are going to be standing around all day, doing nothing?”
“Could be, could be…”
“Well, if you’re okay doing that anyway, you don’t actually need him to lie here all the time, do you?”
“What?”
“You don’t,” said Ford patiently, “actually need him here.”
Mr. Prosser thought about this.
“Well no…”, he said, “not exactly need…”
Prosser was worried. He thought that one of the two of them wasn’t making a lot of sense.
Ford said, “So if you could just pretend that he’s actually here, then he and I could go off to the pub for half an hour. How does that sound?”
Mr. Prosser thought it sounded perfectly crazy.
“That sounds perfectly reasonable,” he said, wondering who he was trying to convince.
“And if you later want to go for a quick one[28] yourself,” said Ford, “we can always cover up for you[29].”
“Thank you very much,” said Mr. Prosser who didn’t know how to play this game anymore, “thank you very much, yes, that’s very kind…” He frowned, then smiled, then tried to do both at once, and failed.