Дмитрий Емец – Tanya Grotter and the Golden Leech (страница 1)

Дмитрий Емец

Tanya Grotter and the Golden Leech

Prologue

Thunder shakes the magic school Tibidox. Lightning beat at exactly one point – the masonry on the roof of the Big Tower. And in the neglected gatehouse by the swamp Tanya Grotter discovers the forgotten prophecy of The Ancient One. If an ancient spirit is released, the Golden Leech will begin to crawl into the magic fire and the Rope in the fingerboard of the double bass will break, time will swing in the opposite direction, the revived pagan idols will go to war on the Tortoise of Eternity and the Sinister Gates will collapse! The forecasted events begin to happen one after another… And all this during the dragonball world championship, in which the composite Tibidox team must battle with the team of the Invisibles, in which the incomparable Gury Puper shines!

Brief Reference of Magic Spells

Printed with gracious permission of the for-life and posthumous head of Tibidox, laureate of the award of Magic Suspenders, Academician Sardanapal Chernomorov.

Sparkis frontis – combat spark of white magic.

Pointus harpoonus – sleep spell, lifts at dawn.

Firstus drumus – drying of wet clothing.

Trampli-kickli – “kicker” spell; cannot be reversed.

Painus suppressus – spell against pain.

Paranoius roofus blowout! Declinate culminate! – useless combination of spirit-banishing spells.

Fillissimo moronissimo! Scleroticus marasmoticus! – spell for erasure of memory.

Fogus sneakus – spell of burglary (black magic from the list of 100 forbidden spells).

Briskus-quickus – spell against the simplest evil spirits, Black Curtains, poltergeists, and ghosts.

Justislanderis theokssiris ! – spell against the King of Ghosts (once a year).

Grail Gardarika – spell of passage from the world of moronoids into the world of magicians; works only at one point above the island of Buyan.

Liftis-cockus —removes the chicken evil eye.

Shedus spectacus – spell of invisibility, weak and sufficiently confusing; does not apply to hair and clothing.

Solidus royalismus – spell that sometimes blocks dark magic (not more than one spark in strength).

Squeezus pullus – “embrace” spell, no need for comments.

Panidis scorchus – is it always necessary to ignite fire with the help of matches?

Trigus sputterus —puts out flame.

Nab-grab – displacement of objects to small and average distances; do not use without special necessity, not inconceivable that the transferred object will show up broken into smithereens.

Checkis trackis ransackis – search spell.

Hungeronus hungerygus – causes a sharp feeling of hunger.

Wiza cockwiza – “crammer” spell (black magic from the list of 100 forbidden spells); useful for the preparation of lessons, blocked by instructors during exams and tests.

Bowus threebowus – simple spell for lazy people, ties laces. Attention! If no laces on footwear, will tie toes!

Cleanus tubecleanus – another spell for lazy people, washes and cleans teeth; explosion possible in the presence of chewing gum in mouth.

Paperykus creepoutus – for remote displacement of papers.

Plugis cutdownis – “leaving, turn out lights.”

Furyllis ebbus trufus paradisis appedicitus hellus – fatal curse (abbreviated form).

Blowis nullis – counter-spell to imposition of fatal curse (only during the first five minutes after imposition of the curse).

Thunderium grandium – spell of chaos (black magic from the list of 100 forbidden spells).

Kaput youfinitut – spell to separate the soul from the body (black magic from the list of 100 forbidden spells).

Whoopli woepli penalbowpli – casts evil eye (black magic of average power).

Feverytb – “anti-hiccup” magic.

Trickus runtus – lifts sharp pain in the stomach.

Goatbumpy noisu – lifts “frog” evil eye (to be used no later than first turning green!)

Slopis-galoshis-idiotis – against swamp bogeys; does not work on other forms of evil spirits.

Speedus envenomus – the swiftest and most dangerous.

Hastenus plodus – average.

Pilotus kamikazis – slow, but load-lifting; equally suitable for elephants and klutzes.

Oyoyoys smackis thumpis – safety net.

Bangus parachutis – braking.

Bangus parachutis forte – accelerated braking for special landing.

Gullis-dullis(the pass) – Tsap-tsaraps (the block).

Trullis-zapullis(the pass) – Leos-zafindileos (the block).

Figus-zatsapus(the pass) – Shchups-kuroshchups (the block).

Stun – 1

Sneeze – 2

Flame-extinguisher ball – 3

Pepper —5

Immobilize – 10

Chapter 1

The Durnevs and the Talking Fragments

Best deputy Herman Durnev, director of the firm Second-Hand Socks and chairman of the committee “Loving Aid to Children, Pensioners, and the Handicapped,” stood before the large mirror in the lobby and fussily repaired the necktie on his emaciated neck with the protruding Adam’s apple. His long face with hollow cheeks smacked slightly of a ghastly green, and his eyeteeth jutted out slightly more than in ordinary respectable moronoids. This uncommon appearance fell to the lot of Uncle Herman by inheritance from his distant relative Count Dracula, a relationship that Durnev, however, did not even suspect.

“Ninel! Are you here?” Uncle Herman shouted. No one answered. The best deputy restlessly began to turn his neck and yell even louder, “Ninel! Do you hear me? Ninel! Bring me another tie! This dark-blue one makes me look chubby!”

Muffled, house-shaking steps were heard, as if a dray horse was driven along the corridor, and from the room, her massive body brushing against the wall, Aunt Ninel slowly appeared. The spouse of Uncle Herman was so stout that one could make three of her husband out of her and still mould a small swamp bogey from the leftover.

“Sweetie, don’t make it up! The dark-blue tie suits you very well!” Aunt Ninel cooed soothingly, affectionately putting her hands on her husband’s shoulders. Uncle Herman staggered and sagged almost to the floor.

“No, it doesn’t, doesn’t, doesn’t! I look completely bloated with it on!” The best deputy pouted and stomped his foot.

Aunt Ninel wanted to sneer that her husband had less fat than a mummy, but she reconsidered. To argue with Uncle Herman was as useless as teaching a donkey the principles of versification or holding back by the exhaust pipe a bus already started.

“Fine, dear, I’ll bring you your favourite lilac tie with the little reddish-brown flowers! Only, I beg you, calm down!” Aunt Ninel agreed and made her way into the bedroom.

Underfoot near her, coughing maliciously and hanging onto the slippers, the dachshund One-And-A-Half Kilometres was turning round and round. Earlier the dachshund even bit Uncle Herman, but since he was Lisper the Rabbit, it stayed away from him, remembering his powerful “hind paws.”

Aunt Ninel opened the wardrobe in the search for the necktie and in an instant, Uncle Herman nervously jumped on the spot, frightened by her amazed outcry. Running into the room, the best deputy saw that his wife, covering her mouth with her hand, was frozen at the door.

“Ninelie, which happened?”

“M-m-m! M-there!” Aunt Ninel mumbled in horror.