Даниил Хармс – Blue Notebook / Голубая тетрадь. Книга для чтения на английском языке (страница 6)

The destiny of a professor's wife

Once a professor had something to eat, and you could not say a little something, and he began to feel sick. His wife approached him and said: «What's wrong with you?» And the professor said: «Nothing.» The wife went back to the kitchen.

The professor lay down on a divan, stayed there for a while, got some rest, and went to work.

And there, a surprise awaited him: they had cut down his salary, instead of 650 rubles now he made only 500. The professor tried everything, but nothing would help. He went to the director, but the director wanted to strangle him. He went to the bookkeeper, and the bookkeeper said: «You should go see the director.» The professor got on a train and went to Moscow.

On the train the professor caught the flu. When he got to Moscow, he was so sick he could not get off the train.

He was put on a stretcher and taken to a hospital.

He stayed there no longer than four days and died.

The professor was cremated, and his ashes were put in a little jar and sent off to his wife.

So here is the professor's wife, sitting and drinking coffee. Suddenly the doorbell rings. What's going on? «You got a parcel.» The wife is very happy, she is smiling, tipping the mailman with 5 rubles, and quickly opens the parcel.

She looks, and inside the parcel are a little jar with the ashes and a note: «This is all that is left of your husband.»

The wife cannot understand what is going on, she shakes the jar, looks at it, she reads the note six times – finally she understands and gets really sad.

The wife gets on so very sad, she cries for three hours and then decides to bury the jar with the ashes. She wraps the jar in a newspaper and takes it to 1st Petoletka Park, formerly known as Tavrichesky.

The wife finds a spot, a little out of the way, and then, as she is about to start digging – a park guard appears. «Hey!» shouts the guard. «What are you doing here?» The wife gets scared and says: «Oh nothing, I wanted to catch some frogs in a jar.» «Well,» says the guard, «that's OK, but be careful, it's forbidden to walk on the grass.»

When the guard leaves, the wife buries the jar in the ground, packs the dirt and goes for a walk around the park.

In the park a sailor approaches her. «Let's,» he says, «go somewhere and sleep.» She says: «Why would we sleep in the middle of the day?» And he is going on: «Sleep, sleep.»

And really, the wife got sleepy.

She is walking around and feeling very sleepy. Around her, some blue and green people are running around – and she is getting sleepier and sleepier.

She is walking and sleeping. And she dreams that Leo Tolstoy approaches her with a patty in his hand. She asks him: «What is this?» And he points at the patty and says: «See.» He says: «Here I made something, and now I want the whole world to see it. So,» he says, «everybody can share it.»

The wife looks and sees that this is not Tolstoy anymore, but a shack, and on the shack there is a hen.

The wife starts chasing the hen, but the hen gets under the bed and from there peeks out, but now as a rabbit.

The wife goes under the bed after the rabbit, and wakes up.

She wakes up and sees: really, she is under the bed.

She gets out from under the bed and sees – her own room. See, here is the table with the unfinished cup of coffee. On the table is the note: «This is all that is left of your husband.»

The wife cries again and sits down to finish the coffee.

Suddenly the doorbell rings. What's going on? Some people come in and order her: «Let's go.»

«Where?» asks the wife.

«To a loony – bin,» answer the people.

The wife starts to scream and resist them, but the people get her and take her to the loony – bin.

And here, a completely normal woman is sitting on a bed in a loony – bin with a note in her hands, and fishing, all over the floor, for some little, invisible fish.

This professor's wife is just one sad example of many unlucky people who in their lives do not take the place which they deserve.

The things

Once Orlov had too much crushed beans and died. And Krylov died too, when he found out about Orlov. But Spiridonov died of no reason. And Spiridonov's wife fell off a kitchen cabinet and died too. But Spiridonov's children drowned in a pond. Meanwhile Spiridonov's grandmother became an alcoholic and went on the tramp. But Mikhailov ceased combing his hair and got ill. And Kruglov sketched a lady with a whip and went mad. And Perehvostov received a wire for four hundred roubles and became so uptight that they fired him.

Good people are not capable of getting a good foothold in life.

There Once Was a Man…

There once was a man whose name was Kuznetsov. He left his house to go to a shop to buy some carpenter's glue so as to stick a stool.

When Kuznetsov was walking past an unfinished house, a brick fell off the top and hit Kuznetsov on the head.

Kuznetsov fell, but straight away jumped to his feet and felt over his head. On Kuznetsov's head a huge lump had come up.

Kuznetsov gave the lump a rub and said: – I, citizen Kuznetsov, left the house to go to the shop to… to… to… Oh, what on earth's happened? I've forgotten why I was going to the shop!

At this point a second brick fell off the roof and again Kuznetsov was struck on the head.

– Akh! – cried Kuznetsov, clutching at his head and feeling a second lump on his head.

– A likely story! – said Kuznetsov. – I, citizen Kuznetsov, left the house to go to… to go to… to go to… where was I going!

Then a third brick fell from the top on to Kuznetsov's head. And on Kuznetsov's head a third lump came up. – Oh heck! – yelled out Kuznetsov, snatching at his head. – I, citizen Kuznetsov, left the… left the… Left the cellar? No. Left the boozer? No! Where did I leave?

A fourth brick fell from the roof, hit Kuznetsov on the back of the head and a fourth lump came up on Kuznetsov.

– Well, now then! – said Kuznetsov, scratching the back of his head. – I… I… I… Who am I? I seem to have forgotten what my name is… A likely story! Whatever's my name? Vasily Petukhov? No. Nikolay Sapogov? No. Panteley Rysakov? No. Well, who the hell am I?

But then a fifth brick fell off the roof and so struck Kuznetsov on the back of the head that Kuznetsov forgot everything once and for all and, crying «Oh, oh, oh!», ran off down the street.

If you wouldn't mind! If anyone should meet a man in the street with five lumps on his head, please remind him that his name is Kuznetsov and that he has to buy some carpenter's glue and repair a broken stool.

Father and Daughter

Natasha had two sweets. Then she ate one of the sweets and one sweet remained. Natasha placed the sweet on the table in front of her and started crying.

Suddenly she has a look and on the table in front of her there lie two sweets again.

Natasha ate one sweet and again started crying.

Natasha cries and keeps one eye on the table to see whether a second sweet will appear. But a second sweet did not appear.

Natasha stopped crying and started to sing. She sang and sang away, and suddenly died.

Natasha's father arrived, took Natasha and carried her to the house manager.

– Here – says Natasha's father – will you witness the death?

The house manager blew on his stamp and applied it to Natasha's forehead.

– Thank you – said Natasha's father and carried Natasha off to the cemetery.

But at the cemetery was the watchman Matvei; he always sat by the gate and didn't let anyone into the cemetery, so that the dead had to be buried right on the street.

The father buried Natasha on the street, removed his cap, placed it on the spot where he had interred Natasha and went off home.

He arrived home and Natasha was already sitting there. How come? It's very simple: she climbed out from under the earth and ran back home.

What a thing! The father was so taken aback that he collapsed and died.

Natasha called the house manager, saying to him: – Will you witness a death?

The house manager blew on his stamp and applied it to a sheet of paper and then on the same sheet of paper he wrote: «This certifies that so and so has actually died.»

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