Charlotte Hawkes – Christmas With Her Bodyguard (страница 8)

‘You didn’t what?’ Myles pressed again.

She wanted to tell him that she wasn’t the woman the press made her out to be. That the only man she’d ever been intimate with had been Justin. That she’d thought herself in love. That he’d assured her he had been in love.

She could almost taste the words on her tongue, sweet syllables that could free her.

Or condemn her.

Because she knew what her reputation with the salivating press was. Knew what the public thought of her. And even if none of that were true, hadn’t she thrown herself at Myles that New Year’s Eve? Of course he was going to believe she was capable of doing exactly the same thing with Justin only months later.

He would never believe that wasn’t at all how it had happened that night.

The best thing she could do would be to forget any history with Myles. But surely it was impossible not to notice the man now looming in front of her? The man who had always been good-looking but who now made that term seem flimsy and two-dimensional.

His handsome qualities had long since segued into something more brooding, more weathered. His strong features now had character. They told a story. She was already spellbound, and it frightened her. Just like the lines etched softly onto his skin, which suggested he’d been places, seen things, done things. He was a hard, autocratic, lethal kind of handsome.

‘I didn’t frolic,’ she bit out abruptly.

His mouth curled ever so slightly, his antipathy surely evident. Yet inexplicably it only made her traitorous fingers twitch to reach out and touch those unusually bow-shaped lips; the dimple gave him the most glorious cleft chin.

Would it still feel the same as it once did beneath her fingertips?

Before, when she’d said she’d been expecting someone...more, it struck her that what she’d really meant was someone less. Someone who didn’t affect her anywhere near the way this one man affected her. Someone who didn’t make her feel as though she were searing from the inside out. Cauterised by his every mocking look, desiccating from his indifferent tone.

Just as she always had been.

‘Of course not,’ he replied silkily. ‘Because you’re the steadfast, quiet Rawlstone sister, with no press reputation at all. Forgive me but I forgot.’

She flashed her brightest smile.

The one that she had long ago learned best concealed all the hurt inside her.

She knew exactly what the press said about her, every line, every lie. Which made it a hard reputation to shake. Although, by God, she’d tried.

But whilst Rafe might appreciate how she’d struggled to distance herself from her mother and sisters all this time, the press weren’t always as understanding; the public not completely forgiving.

Neither was Myles, standing there, judging her as he was. She felt weighed and she felt measured, but what bothered her more was the shame flooding through her body at the realisation that this man...this man...found her deplorably wanting.

How was it that his opinion of her mattered so much more than that of hundreds, even thousands, of other people? The way he’d got under her skin with barely a word was shocking. Frightening. Not least because of last time. What was the matter with her? She wrinkled her nose in self-castigation, blurting words out before her brain had the chance to engage.

‘Why are you doing this, Myles? Just so you can taunt me?’ Her pitch was rising but she couldn’t seem to control it. ‘Just so you can remind me of the fool I made of myself when I crept into your room practically naked, stupidly—so stupidly—imagining that the kiss we’d shared earlier that evening meant you wanted me?’

‘This isn’t about that night,’ he rasped, his voice so unrecognisable that it took a moment for her to realise it really was him.

‘It isn’t?’ she whispered.

‘No, Raevenne, it’s definitely not about that night.’ There was no mistaking the look of utter disgust that contorted his features now.

She tried to rearm herself but it was too late, and his loathing smashed over her with deadly force.

‘I try not to remember that night. It isn’t difficult. It isn’t something I ever care to think about. I thought you were different, Rae, I thought you were someone else, someone worth being honourable for.’

‘Yeah, well, having a door slammed in my face certainly didn’t feel honourable.’

She didn’t know why she was fighting back. What she was hoping to achieve.

‘You offered me your virginity.’

‘I know what I did.’ Her whole body felt as though it were on fire. ‘And I know you practically laughed me out your room.’

‘I believed I was doing the right thing. I thought...’ He paused as if having to catch himself. ‘I thought your innocence meant more to you than it obviously did. I was leaving, as soon as that Christmas break was up and Rafe felt as though he’d done his duty. I felt you deserved more than someone who slept with you once or twice and then cut out, never to be seen again.’

‘It did mean something to me—’ she began.

A brash, humourless laugh, which she barely even recognised, cut her off.

‘Of course it did. So much so, in fact, that you not only slept with the next guy you dated-and I use that term very loosely-but you filmed the whole thing and leaked it on the Internet all in the name of fame.’

Nausea crashed over her and it was all she could do to fight it back. Still, she couldn’t stop herself from crying out.

‘I didn’t know anything about it. I didn’t know he was filming me. I certainly didn’t leak it. My God, is that really how little you think of me?’

‘That’s bull,’ Myles growled, ignoring her question. ‘If you hadn’t known anything about it then he would have been filming a sex act without consent. That’s a criminal offence. You would have said something. He would have been convicted. He should have been convicted. But instead you stayed quiet. You protected him. Why do that unless you were in on it, too?’

She wanted to tell him. She’d imagined this moment so very many times over the years. But the words wouldn’t come. Something seemed to be stopping her.

‘I was pathetic, naïve, desperate and I didn’t want to look any more of an idiot than I already did.’ The words tumbled out inelegantly.

The harsh bark was about as far from a laugh as it was possible to get.

‘Oh, come on, Rae. You can’t seriously expect anyone to believe that. You weren’t protecting yourself, you were protecting him.’

She shook her head, hating the very idea of that.

‘I wasn’t. I never protected him. I hate him. I...’ She bit her lip and then decided she had nothing left to lose. ‘I was protecting you.’

The silence that descended on them was so instant, so heavy, that for a moment she thought her eardrums had burst and all she could sense was a ringing in her head. For long, long moments they stood, eyes locked, perfectly still, and then Myles spoke.

‘Say again?’ Dark, forbidding. It wasn’t exactly the response she’d been hoping for.

Rae drew in a deep breath, her voice quaking unrecognisably.

‘I was protecting you,’ she practically whispered. ‘Just like you protected me that night when we were kids. You were so principled even though you were only three years older than me. Telling me I was too innocent, too young emotionally, that I might hate myself when you left, that I was Rafe’s sister.’

Not that it had made her feel any better, and less rejected, at the time. Even now she couldn’t shake the knowledge that if she’d been sexy and worldly like her sisters, even at seventeen, he couldn’t have walked away from her however principled he was.

But that was a truth she would always hug to herself. A truth too embarrassing to voice aloud to anyone. Ever.

He didn’t answer, but the locked jaw told her that he was barely containing his fury. She hurried on before he could say any words she didn’t want to hear.

‘If I had told people that I hadn’t consented then there would have had to have been an investigation. It would have been my word against his. They would have looked at my sexual history. And they might have found out about you.’

‘We didn’t do anything,’ Myles growled, his obvious contempt slicing through her more deeply than she could have thought imaginable.

In all her scenarios over the years, she’d never once considered that he wouldn’t believe her. How foolish that seemed now.

‘But they might not have believed we didn’t do anything,’ she cried. ‘And you know what they say about mud sticking. Your name would have been dragged into it whether we liked it or not. The press would have loved any whiff of scandal concerning a supposedly principled British army officer. The truth wouldn’t have mattered. Your reputation would have been tainted for ever.’

‘You really want me to believe you let people think and say everything they did about you to protect me?’

Disgust, and what looked terrifyingly like hatred, clouded his face. It was all Rae could do not to shrink away, even as something tore at her heart.

‘It’s the truth.’ She had no idea how she held her ground. ‘But it wasn’t just about you. Like I said, it was about me, too. Whatever I said wouldn’t have undone what had happened. That video would always be out there...will always be out there. And there would have been no guarantee they’d have believed me over Justin. So I tried to make the best out of it. I figured it would die down when the next scandal came along.’