Анна Давыдова-Городецкая – Ouroboros or the world inside out (страница 8)

In fact, that dream about visiting the past was literal – to return to the present, to reality, you have to make a journey back to the beginning of life. To your mother.

Chapter 2. Reference pattern. Full-value. Inferiority

In the distorted world of Ouroboros, happiness and unhappiness are defined differently than in the world of a psychologically mature adult. Splendor and superiority over others are seen as «happiness» and lead to euphoria, while feelings of inadequacy, arising from comparisons with those perceived as better, are seen as «unhappiness» and lead to despondency. For example, if I have a Mercedes-Benz and my neighbor has a Lamborghini, I feel wretched and unhappy. Conversely, if I have the Lamborghini and my neighbor has the Mercedes-Benz, he feels wretched, and I feel magnificent and happy.

This simple example illustrates the states between which an infantile personality endlessly oscillates. Such a person can only experience brief bursts of euphoria when someone perceived as worse is nearby. Sustainable mental comfort is unattainable because there is always someone perceived as better in some way (prettier, richer, smarter, more successful, talented, sexier, etc.).

A woman who cannot build a relationship, while others can, feels inferior. If she builds one in the future, she will feel complete and «happy». Another woman felt complete in the past when she had one healthy child. When a child was born who did not meet her expectations, she felt incomplete and longed for her past sense of completeness. The first woman dreams of a future where she feels complete, while the second woman constantly reminisces about her past completeness. Both punish themselves in the present for not being able to achieve their ideal state, which is the essence of auto-aggression. Since they feel incomplete now, they devalue themselves and everything around them, believing only completeness is valuable – this is the essence of devaluation. When the desired state is achieved, auto-aggression will cease, and anguish will recede. For the first woman, this is only possible in the future, and for the second, it was (or seems to have been) in the past. In the present, there is only auto-aggression and devaluation. This is how ouroboric inferiority is experienced.

The infantile personality cannot achieve stable inner full-value because it cannot connect with its reference pattern. However, the reference pattern existing in the psyche is supported by the illusion that it will eventually become a reality, leading to true, sustainable full-value. As long as this reference is not reached, which is always the case, the basic state of the ouroboric personality is inner inferiority. Against this backdrop of persistent inner inferiority, there are oscillations between ouroboric superiority and ouroboric vulnerability. Which state dominates at any given moment depends on who the individual compares themselves with – if they compare themselves with someone they perceive as worse, they feel superior; if they compare themselves with someone they perceive as better, they feel vulnerable.

For example, if a woman fantasizes about being beautiful, rich, having high social status, and being popular with men, her illusory dream will be to «own» a man of status and wealth who will fulfill all her desires, like a «goldfish». She believes that by uniting with this ideal self from her dreams, she will find inner full-value and become «happy». This woman will experience euphoria from receiving money, praise, attention, and sympathy, or even better, from falling in love with a high-status man. These experiences help her achieve a state of superiority, which her psyche labels as «happiness». What each person considers «happiness» depends on the ideal scenario of their life, i.e., their reference pattern.

In this example, «unhappiness» for the woman is labeled as rejection by a high-status person, loss of money, attention, or sympathy from someone who does not meet her status criteria, obvious loss in status and success to others, and aging. These experiences plunge her into vulnerability and distance her from her reference pattern. This is why there is often such an attachment to appearance – it is clear that a young and beautiful woman has more chances to attract the desired man, while an aging woman losing her beauty has fewer chances.

Both «happiness» and «unhappiness» are illusions. Everyone has their own illusion, their own idea of ideality, which defines what is considered «full-value» and felt as superiority and «happiness». At the other end of this axis is "inferiority," and everything that immerses one there is perceived as "unhappiness".

By understanding these states and what makes us feel euphoric or depressed, and therefore superior or vulnerable, we can recognize where the illusion lies and move out of it into reality. However, both euphoria and despondency can also be caused by something that exists in objective reality, making it difficult to discern whether what plunges us into these states is reality or illusion. A more sensitive criterion is the prick of envy. The person we envy possesses something we dream of, something that is part of our reference pattern, and we believe that by attaining it, we will become "happy".

If, after interacting with certain people, a person cannot regain their composure for a long time, they should consider the reasons for this state. It might be envy, indicating that "they have what I desire". However, it is important to understand that the component causing the jab of envy comes with its own past (chronic illnesses, losses, and hidden issues) and, most unpleasantly, unpredictable future problems. The immature personality wants to take from others only their dream, separating it from their reality. At the same time, when interacting with others who are «better» in some way, the individual tends to devalue everything they have, even though they may objectively have much more.

By tracing what leads to euphoria or despondency and by identifying the jabs of envy, we can realize our ouroboric illusory dream, our ouroboric inner full-value, our reference pattern, and our ouroboric inner inferiority. For example, an infantile owner of a new Mercedes-Benz may feel vulnerable if a Lamborghini owner lives nearby. This indicates that not only is "material welfare" built into their reference pattern, but to be happy, they must also "be better". When we learn to recognize that both ouroboric «happiness» and ouroboric «unhappiness» are components of the infantile personality structure, we can figure out how to break free from this cycle.

We need to relabel these illusory patterns of superiority and vulnerability in our consciousness – they should not be called "happiness/unhappiness," but rather "illusion of our own superiority/illusion of our own vulnerability".

Reference Pattern

How is the ouroboric dream formed, this mysterious reference pattern of the self and the world, upon the attainment of which ouroboric wholeness will come, and with which the infantile person constantly compares what is in reality? I believe it is formed throughout life under the influence of external circumstances, but the foundation is laid in early childhood. This reference pattern is a fantasy, assembled from parts similar to Lego construction pieces taken from different sets. The result is almost always meaningless and has little functionality in objective reality. The basic principle of forming this pattern is that it includes those elements that were lacking in the individual's life at various times. The most rigid constructions are formed if this lack occurred in early childhood, especially in infancy, when a person is inherently most vulnerable.

For example, if an infant was born to a cold and rejecting mother and did not feel loved, a detail called "Unconditional and Comprehensive Maternal Love" will be integrated into their reference pattern of «happiness». This is the kind of love the person will seek as an adult, without success, because such love is only possible between a sensitive mother and her newborn child and never occurs in normal adult relationships. This person will not be looking for a partner but for a replacement for the empathetic mother they lacked in childhood, who intuitively met all the needs of her baby.

Or, for example, if for some reason, an infant felt defenseless in childhood, a detail called «protection» will be integrated into their reference pattern. As an adult, this person will constantly seek external protection. If parents could not provide a stable environment during childhood, a detail called «stability» will be integrated into the reference pattern, and the person will perceive the absence of changes as "happiness".

However, since all these details – love, protection, stability, material welfare, beauty, etc. – formed the illusory reference pattern in the past, most often in childhood, they carry a childish, infantile vision of these concepts that have not undergone transformation. It is obvious that an infant and an adult understand concepts like love and stability very differently. A personality that has successfully passed all stages of psychological maturation changes its perception of these concepts. An adult will never be as defenseless as a newborn and, in most situations, can protect and provide for themselves. An infantile person, however, retains the notion of childish defenselessness in their reference pattern and seeks the kind of protection a child needs – comprehensive and often suppressive, as protection in childhood always involves a restriction of freedom.