Анита Лус – Gentlemen Prefer Blondes / Джентльмены предпочитают блондинок (страница 5)
Chapter Three
LONDON IS REALLY NOTHING
Well, Dorothy and I are really at London. I mean we got to London on the train yesterday as the boat does not come up to London but it stops on the beach and you have to take a train. I mean everything is much better in New York, because the boat comes right up to New York and I am really beginning to think that London is not so educational after all. But I did not tell Mr. Eisman when I cabled him last night because Mr. Eisman really sent me to London to get educated and I would hate to tell him that London is a failure. So Dorothy and I came to the Ritz and it is delightfully full of Americans. I mean you would really think it was New York because I always think that the most delightful thing about traveling is to always be running into Americans and to always feel at home.
So yesterday Dorothy and I went down to luncheon at the Ritz and we saw a quite cute little blond girl at the next table and I nudged Dorothy under the table, because I do not think it is nice to nudge a person on top of the table as I am trying to teach good manners to Dorothy. So I said “That is quite a cute little girl so she must be an American girl.” And sure enough she called the head-waiter with quite an American accent and she was quite angry and she said to him, ‘I have been coming to this hotel for 35 years and this is the first time I have been kept waiting.’ So I recognized her voice because it was really Fanny Ward[50]. So we asked her to come over to our table and we were all three delighted to see each other. Because I and Fanny have known each other for about five years but I really feel as if I knew her better because mama knew her 45 years ago when she and mama used to go to school together and mama used to always follow all her weddings in all the newspapers. So now Fanny lives in London and is famous for being one of the cutest girls in London. I mean Fanny is almost historical, because when a girl is cute for 50 years it really begins to get historical.
So we went shopping for hats and instead of going to the regular shop we went to the children’s department and Fanny and I bought some quite cute hats as children’s hats only cost half as much and Fanny does it all the time.
So we came back to the Ritz to meet Major Falcon because Major Falcon invited us to go to tea with Lady Shelton. So Major Falcon invited Fanny to go with us too, but she was sorry because she had to go to her music lesson.
So at Lady Shelton’s house we met quite a few people who seemed to be English. I mean some of the girls in London seem to be Ladies which seems to be the opposite of a Lord. And quite a few[51] are not Ladies, but are just like us, so all you have to call them is “Miss.” So Lady Shelton was really delighted to have we Americans come to her house. I mean she took Dorothy and I into the back parlor and tried to sell us some shell flowers she seems to make out of sea shells for 25 pounds. So we asked her how much it was in money and it seems it is 125 dollars. But I told Lady Shelton we really did not need any shell flowers. So Lady Shelton said she knew we Americans loved dogs so she would love us to meet her mother.
So then she took Dorothy and Major Falcon and I to her mother’s house which was just around the corner from her house. Because her mother seems to be called a Countess and raise dogs. So her mother was having a party too, and she seemed to have quite red hair and quite a lot of paint for such an elderly lady. So the first thing she asked us was she asked us if we bought some shell flowers from her daughter. So we told her no. And she said, “You were right my dears—don’t let my daughter stick[52] you—they fall apart[53] in less than a week.” So then she asked us if we would like to buy a dog. I mean I could not stop Dorothy but she said “How long before the dogs fall apart?” But I do not think the Countess acted like a Countess should act because she laughed very, very loud and she said that Dorothy was really priceless and she grabbed Dorothy and kissed her and held her arm around her all the time. I mean I really think that a Countess should not encourage Dorothy or else she is just as unrefined as Dorothy seems to be. But I told the Countess that we did not need any dog.
So then I met quite a delightful English lady who had a very, very beautiful diamond tiara in her hand bag because she said that she thought some Americans would be at the party and it was really a very, very great bargain[54]. I mean I think a diamond tiara is delightful and I really never thought of wearing diamonds before, and I thought I had almost one of everything until I saw a diamond tiara. The English lady who is called Mrs. Weeks said it was in her family for years but the good thing about diamonds is they always look new. So I was really very intrigued and I asked her how much it cost in money and it seems it was $7,500.
So then I looked around the room and I noticed a gentleman who seemed to be quite well groomed. So I asked Maj or Falcon who he was and he said he was called Sir Francis Beekman and it seems he is very, very wealthy. So then I asked Major Falcon to give us an introduction to one another and we met one another and I asked Sir Francis Beekman if he would hold my hat while I could try on the diamond tiara, and I told Sir Francis Beekman that I really thought it looked quite cute. So he thought it did too, but he seemed to have another engagement. So the Countess came up to me and she is really very unrefined because she said to me “Do not waste your time on him” because she said that whenever Sir Francis Beekman spent a halfpenny the statue of a gentleman called Mr. Nelson[55] took off his hat and bowed. I mean some people are so unrefined they seem to have unrefined thoughts about everything.
So I really have my heart set on[56] the diamond tiara and I became quite worried because Mrs. Weeks said she was going to a delightful party last night that would be full of delightful Americans and it would be snapped up. So I was so worried that I gave her 100 dollars and she is going to hold the diamond tiara for me. Because what is the use of traveling if you do not take advantage of opportunities and it really is quite unusual to get a bargain from an English lady. So last night I cabled Mr. Eisman and I told Mr. Eisman that he does not seem to how know much it costs to get educated by traveling and I said I really would have to have $10,000 and I said I hoped I would not have to borrow the money from some strange English gentleman, even if he might be very very good looking. So I really could not sleep all night because of all of my worrying because if I do not get the money to buy the diamond tiara it may be a quite hard thing to get back $100 from an English lady.
So now I must really get dressed as Major Falcon is going to take Dorothy and I to look at all the sights in London. But I really think if I do not get the diamond tiara my whole trip to London will be quite a failure.
Yesterday was quite a day and night. I mean Major Falcon came to take Dorothy and I to see all the sights in London. So I thought it would be delightful if we had another gentleman and I made Major Falcon call up Sir Francis Beekman. I mean I had a cable from Mr. Eisman which told me he could not send me 10,000 dollars but he would send me 1000 dollars which really would not be a drop in the bucket[57] for the diamond tiara. So Sir Francis Beekman said that he could not come but I teased him and teased him over the telephone so he finally said he would come.
So Major Falcon drives his own car so Dorothy sat with him and I sat with Sir Francis Beekman but I told him that I was not going to call him Sir Francis Beekman but I was really going to call him Piggie[58].
In London they make a very, very great fuss over nothing at all. I mean London is really nothing at all. For instance, they make a great fuss over a tower that really is not even very tall and it would only make a chimney on one of our towers in New York. So Sir Francis Beekman wanted us to get out and look at the tower because he said that quite a famous Queen had her head cut off there one morning and Dorothy said “What a fool she was to get up that morning” and that is really the only sensible thing that Dorothy has said in London. So we did not bother to get out.
So we did not go to any more sights because they really have delicious champagne cocktails at a very very smart new restaurant that you could not get in New York for neither love or money[59]
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